F Hey, this is Raineel calling, I’m the singer for Crystal Clyffs. I read a write-up that was in the Mirror this week about our band and the writer said something about me having the “tonsils of Williamsburg.” What does that mean? I need to know what that means. Is that a good thing? [BLEEP!]

M Hey, how’s it goin? My name’s Diego. I’m not sure how this Rant Line™ works, but I remember a while back reading on the Internet that you guys wrote something about my band, it’s called Jaded. I don’t know if you remember. We’re at www.jadedband.com. Anyway, I wanted you guys to pass by and have a look and check it out. Recently, there have been a couple changes. We just played with Simple Plan and Mobile, so if you guys would like to write about it or just check it out, that’d be really cool. All right? Ciao. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, this rant is about bands that can’t play their instruments. You can call it NO WAVE if you want to, but you shouldn’t even be allowed to play so loose because it’s fucking boring to watch. I think that your fans are just pretending to like you so they can get Mile-End PUNK POINTS. That’s all. [BLEEP!]

M This is Armitage Shanks responding to last week’s rant on the shite state of U.K. indie music in this town. Here’s a few recommendations for you, MATE. Try the Green Room for the occasional U.K. indie vibe. Pick up a copy of Q or NME magazine. Or look in the Mirror as there are loads of cool Brit bands playing venues around the city. And check out radio stations. XFM.co.uk or Virginradio.co.uk on the net, as well as rockandrollreport.com. Finally, there’s always my monthly Monday night gig on CKUT’s Drastic Plastic. My next show is on September 25. Cheers with beers. [BLEEP!]

M So I pick up the new Bob Dylan. You know, I’ve seen him three times live in concert—once in Australia, twice in Montreal—I figure this next concert is gonna be the last one. So anyway, I go home, pop the CD in, and hey, man, that man’s still got the vibe. Still kickin’ it. Still doin’ it old school and I cannot wait till the concert! Hell, yeah, Bob! [Dylan music in background] [BLEEP!]

M This is about the whole Sake issue. Personally I think it makes more sense to bring some life to some CONCRETE than to something that already is alive, such as a tree. And on the whole issue of calling him an artist, if you watch MusiquePlus for about 10 minutes, you’ll see they use the word very loosely these days. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. I’m just calling to discuss some of the MCGILL FROSH WEEK CHANTS that were defecating the streets of Montreal this past weekend. Promoting hate towards any group—be it another university or another faculty—is simply unacceptable in a world where we’re trying to promote diversity. And while I realize that chants that sound something like “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Kill! Kill! Kill!” done to “the Rah! Rah! Rah!” thing is all done in GOOD FUN, I’m sure that every time a neo-Nazi or a KKK member beats up somebody, they also think it’s a blast. Shame on McGill and whoever organized all those chants for promoting hate and violence and aggression. It’s a blight on our city and the whole thing needs to be re-thought out. Unacceptable. [BLEEP!]

M This is in response to the guy who was complaining about the hordes of punks on Ste-Catherine street. I just wanna say that he’s completely 100 per cent right! If anything, he’s underestimating the situation, because he was too much of a nice guy to tell you how bad it really is. The place is full of these pieces of shit! They go up and down the streets, they loot places—these are the type of people that rob people or even KILL PEOPLE for money. They’re the scum of the Earth! By my point of view, they don’t even have human rights, they’re not even human!! They’re walking garbage! Garbage on feet, that’s what they are. And the reason no one does anything is because everyone is a bunch of pussies—even the cops. They just get paid money to keep their little guns in their pockets and show off. I think someone should have the balls to pull a VIGLANTE on this town and go all PUNISHER on their asses! Kill these assholes! They don’t deserve to live! Bye. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, man, Montreal. It’s my last night here, man. And I have to say that the cops just came by because my door was open—we were just chillin’—and the cops just said, “Hey, man, is everything all right?” And we just said, “Yeah. Everything is all right.” And that was really nice and this is a great city. I’m gonna miss it. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™. I recently went to the area of Ontario and Wolfe street and met a GORGEOUS TRANSVESTITE who performed the most amazing oral on me. You should go. It was for a nominal price, everything was safe and you wouldn’t even have known the difference. In fact, she/he was BETTER. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum