F Good evening. If I hear one more person say INDIE about their bourgeois, dilettante, skinny-assed, precious little teenage entourage, I’m going to fuckin’ hurl. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, Montreal, this is Kid, just calling to say how the SYNTHETIC SOUND REVOLUTION that today’s society is undergoing is really, like, blowing my mind. Take artists like Madonna or Paul Simon—these people are trendsetters and they’re on the cusp of a new revolution. So check out their beats. Paul Simon’s “Beautiful” just totally rocked my world. Later. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, Rant Line™. This is Lenya B calling. I’m a singer/songwriter/performer from Montreal and I’m calling about a problem with posters. I spend a serious amount of money in PROMOTING MYSELF, putting up posters and flyers as much as I can all over town. But there are always some other bands who cover my posters with theirs before my show actually happens. I find it very inconsiderate, because when I put up my posters, I make sure I don’t cover other posters before they have actually done their shows. I think that local bands in Montreal should support themselves that way. That’s all I have to say. Stop covering up my fucking posters! I spend a lot of money on them! [BLEEP!]

F To the person dissing Sake: first of all, tagging trees and rocks is hardly as offensive as tagging CHURCHES and HOUSES. Second of all, if you’re gonna diss him, don’t be at the same time calling him an artist! You’re really not making your case look any better. Anyway, you’re complaining about something that all the rest of us have all gotten used to. [BLEEP!]

F I’m ranting about the disrespectful little children who tag with spray paint and scrawl their initials in a childlike SMEAR over somebody else’s creation. I have a friend who made an absolutely gorgeous mural, it took her a whole year, and some punk came with an ego and just DEFACED the whole damn thing. So my words to people like that are learn to express yourself in a dignified and legitimate manner and leave those murals alone. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M You know, you can’t walk on Ste-Catherine street East near St-Denis. First of all you have these HORDES OF PUNKS sitting on the street, in front of store windows in groups of maybe two, three or five, with their dogs. There’s crap all over the street, dog shit. They harass you for money—you give a dime or a quarter or a dollar to some of these punks, the other groups want more. God help you if you’re smoking a cigarette. You’ll have at least 20 punks asking you for cigarettes. And you know what’s the worst part about these so-called street punks who beg for money? Most of them don’t even live in Montreal! These are kids from other provinces and other towns who come to Montreal to make money. It’s all a big joke to them. They live with their parents but they come to Montreal in the summer to make some BUM CASH or whatever you want to call it. They’re giving the real people, the real unfortunate people who don’t have money, a bad name. They’re sitting there laughing, smoking joints, drinking beer, making a mess. And God help you if you have your girlfriend or your wife or your kids with you—they’re gonna get harassed. And if you don’t give them any money, you get sworn at, you get spat at. So that’s my major complaint. I wish the city would crack down on these so-called street punks. I’m telling you, they don’t even need the money—they seem to be pretty well off, wearing their rich expensive leather jackets and DOC MARTEN boots. So that’s my rant. [BLEEP!]

F To those idiot white trash red-faced PUNKER PARENTS who took their six-year-old son to Bifteck St-Laurent two days in a row at Main Madness, with the in-laws in tow getting shitfaced and cackling and none of them even noticing the small child getting lost in the crowd. Y’all deserve to be taken out and shot like the pieces of shit that you are. Youth protection services are made for shitheads like you. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M This rant is for you John R. [singing] “You were giving me head/on the unmade bed as the limousines waited downstairs.” John, ring a bell? I miss you, dude. A friendly two minute call would really mean a lot to me. Just say hello, how ya been, how am I, blah, blah, blah. I really miss your friendship, man. Hope you get this rant. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, the reason you’re seeing so many skunks is because there is an infestation of WHITE GRUBS on the island of Montreal. They are the larvae of a beetle, and Montreal is now warm enough for them to breed. And this food source is causing a population boom and skunks have been tearing up lawns all over the island. So thank you Exxon and Mobile. So you can either get your ass out and fight against global warming and the oil industry, or you can find a good deal on TOMATO SAUCE. And start a fight with the skunks from the wrong side of the tracks. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum