by MATTHEW HAYS

To a film critic, the worst sin isn’t being bad, it’s being mediocre. And you certainly couldn’t fault Crank for being middle of the road. Nope, this is one lurid, dreadful, noisy, vile, vulgar film—but it attempts to sidestep any nasty criticism by wearing those adjectives proudly.

The plot itself is an obvious knockoff (though the press kit praises the script’s originality). Brit actor Jason Statham, best known for his work with Guy Ritchie, plays a hit man who awakens one day only to realize he has been drugged with a lethal serum. He has less than an hour to live! (It’s the short-attention-span version of 1950’s D.O.A.) Statham learns from his doctor that if he keeps his adrenaline running in overdrive, if he keeps on moving, he will perhaps be able to stave off death. Statham goes on the trail of his killers, getting revenge while also stopping by to see his girlfriend (Amy Smart).

First-time directors Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor—who, not surprisingly, both come from a background of making commercials—take every possible action-movie and mob-movie cliché and stretch them to their critical mass. There is not one gag left unuttered, not one visual “trick” not employed, not one dirty word unspoken and not one ethnic or racial stereotype left behind. This is a truly grating movie.

But what’s funny about Crank is that there are moments when it is just so brazenly stupid that it’s almost admirable. At one point Statham recovers from some crazy accident on the road. He takes one look at Smart and realizes that having sex with her would keep his adrenaline going. He insists on banging her on the sidewalk, in Chinatown. Smart tries to kick him off, but finally gives in, screaming “Take me now! Take me here!” She bends over a newspaper box and Statham gives it to her from behind, with the crowd of Chinese cheering them on. I’m not making any of this up, I swear.

Much of Crank is laugh-out-loud funny, and, like Showgirls, the best part is that it’s unclear where the filmmakers were actually coming from. Enter at your own risk.

Crank opens Friday, Septmeber 1

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