You’re at work, you’re bored, it’s the middle of the night. You think to yourself, “Guess I’ll put something up my ass.” It happens. And then the something gets stuck. What do you do? Well, as Marcelino P. Castro has learned, you do not call your boss and make up a story involving rape and Samoans.

Castro’s original story was that he was cleaning the restrooms when “two large, dark men, possibly Samoan” put a rope around his neck, then held a cloth over his mouth. He claimed he later awoke with his pants around his knees and a “sore bottom.” Castro’s employer called the police. Castro stuck to his story through rape kits and repeated questioning, but investigators felt that something wasn’t quite right. Finally, the California Department of Insurance concluded the whole thing was a lie.

One can only ponder the humiliation the 42-year-old Orange, California, janitor must have felt. What would his wife say? Now all he has to worry about is 12 felony charges for making false statements that could have been avoided had Castro been man enough to admit he’d lost a dildo up his ass.

» Scott Saxon