M I just found out that the people who live in the new condos that were built right behind 1180 ST-ANTOINE have been filing a lot of complaints lately about the amount of NOISE coming from the building. That building has been there for 20 years and has been home to hundreds of bands in Montreal! It’s home to many bands right now, like the Ghetto Nuns and Motif. Basically we were here first! [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™. Everyone is always complaining about stillepost montrealshows.com being really pretentious or indie-ier than thou. But I figured out the big problem—nobody on that board is FUNNY. They all try so hard, but not a single one of them is funny. Okay, maybe two or three are. But that’s the problem. [BLEEP!]

M I’m wondering if someone knows of any bars or clubs that play UK indie music in Montreal. The only British music I’ve heard here in months was this BLOKE, DJ Armitage Shanks, who played some brilliant shite on CKUT’s Drastic Plastic last Monday night. If you know anywhere else spinning mad UK tunes, please give the Rant Line™ a call. Cheers. [BLEEP!]

M Yes, this is a shout out to the graffiti artist Sake. Tagging all the TREES and ROCKS on the top of the mountain is one seriously dumb, indefensible and lame-ass move. May the mountain GARGOYLES find your ass. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is to ELDERLY PEOPLE who bring entire shopping carts full of food to the express lane at the Super C and act like nobody is going to notice or that they don’t know what they’re doing. Eight items or less is not a suggestion, whether you are old, or crippled or borderline retarded! I’m also aware that elderly people are probably not reading the Mirror, so the rest of us need to pass this on when we can. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M I was walking up Crescent and I noticed there was a woman in an AUTOMATIC WHEELCHAIR who is stuck in some gravel because of the construction that they’re doing. So of course, I turned to walk over to help her but before I could take two steps there were 30 people carrying her wheelchair through the construction. Fuckin’ righteous, fuckin’ righteous. [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line™, I just want to rant about how bad I think your choice of rants are. You could be RENÉ DESCARTES leaving a rant about the meaning of life and yet you guys would sooner publish that junkie who can’t find his heroin. Pretty sad. [BLEEP!]

F This is in response to the response to the FEEL-SORRY-FOR-ME-JUNKIE who shoplifts. Actually, junkies aren’t just lazy. They are people with a disease, addiction is a disease. My father has this addiction and so does my brother. And I’m pretty tired of hearing people and their crack jokes and how you should not feel sorry for crackheads. Crackheads have families, they have problems, and yes, they make choices, but they’re not just lazy! All right? They need help. Thank God my brother has managed to stay out of the system, because if he went to jail he would just learn how to hate himself even more and be a better criminal. So have a little compassion for those who have troubles way more difficult than yours. Yes, he’s not starving and dying in Africa, and no, he’s not in a concentration camp, but he’s got problems and he deserves your respect and compassion for at least trying to get better. That’s it. [BLEEP!]

F On the topic of THEFT. I’m okay with somebody stealing food from a grocery store, they probably need it. I condone my friend who stole a bike because hers has gotten stolen for four years in a row. But whatever little shit stole my sister’s purse at Foufs the other night—you’re a fucking douche. Couldn’t you have at least left her eye drops and her sunscreen? Go to hell. [BLEEP!]

M Yo, ho, hey. Is it just me or are there other canines out there who are freaking out about the SKUNK INVASION. Below Van Horne—Hutchison, Waverly—all those streets going down, they are full of ebony and ivory families, okay? And the dog and me, we don’t hit the tracks because we figure that’s their territory. But these fuckin’ Pepe Le Pews, they are not staying on their own side of the tracks! My dog is pure black and he’s 125 pounds and I’m going to paint a white stripe down his back to scare the shit out of all those critters. Like, he’s going to be King fuckin’ Kong skunk. Nothing personal against skunks but you know, skunks should be smoked, at home. Don’t need that shit. [BLEEP!]

F Yo Rant Line™., I’m not calling to rant, I’m calling to praise. See, I’ve been getting fucked by this guy named Jack and he’s absolutely amazing. He gave me 20 orgasms in one go and he makes me SQUIRT all over the place. Yeah, he’s great, everyone should love Jack. But don’t fuck him, he’s mine. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum