M So Wednesday night I go downtown and I see a flyer floating around about RA the Rugged Man in Montreal at Foufounes. What the fuck?! That’s a marvelous MIRACLE. I mean, he’s the Caucasian Ol’ Dirty Bastard and he gave one hell of a show. Never mind for $2. Nowhere else in North America that you’re gonna find any of that. The guy is a mad MC, he can fucking rhyme, and his lyrics, his beats and everything are just delicious. [BLEEP!]

F Yo, I just wanna say that Rugged Intellect is HOT. I seen him on Wednesday at Foufs and, oh baby, the things I’d do to you. Shit, you know who this is. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. I’m calling about the sick JUNKIE bitch who came and stole our donation money at the bar I work at. This money was going to charity! You asked if you could use the phone and then you stole a jar of money which you’re probably going to be spending on heroin, you dirty junkie whore. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, hi, this is Dexter and I’m calling from NDG. I’m just wondering where the fuck did all the HEROIN in this city go, man? You used to be able to find heroin at fucking Rose Bowl if you wanted to. Now I can’t even find heroin downtown—I walked around Berri for, like, four hours. There’s not even people selling coke! What is going on with this city? Where are all the drugs?! Yeah, that’s it. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M I want to know what’s the deal with the quote-unquote underground city? I work in the Eaton Centre in a LITTLE KIOSK and I get all kinds of tourists coming and asking me, [assumes foreign accent], “So this is the great miracle of the underground Montreal?” Actually, it’s a bunch of overpriced stores and cockroach-stricken food courts! If anyone knows, enlighten me. [BLEEP!]

F I’m just calling because I was at the place called Syndrome where they have $2 beer—which is the only reason we went—and my roommate happened to be kissing a man, okay? And they got punched on the stairs and now he has a concussion. I’m sorry, but the Plateau is for people of all types—which is why we live here. So don’t punch somebody just because they scare you by kissing their boyfriend. That’s homophobic, racist bullshit and I don’t wanna see it anymore! [BLEEP!]

F Hey, this is a message for Chak. I danced with you all night at Ronnie’s BACHELOR PARTY. I think I gave you the wrong impression that I wasn’t interested at the end of the night but I totally was. I think you’re great. So here’s another shot.

Illflyyoutothemoon@hotmail.com. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F Andy, I didn’t dump you because I don’t like you. I dumped you because you have a small penis and I don’t like you. [BLEEP!]

M I’m calling just to talk about QUEEN-SIZED WOMEN, chubby women. I’ve heard a few negative comments about over-large women, but I can tell you one thing—and all you guys know it—when you’re banging that chick, man, and you’ve got those nice little ROLLS on the side and that ass is just going like WAVES, there’s nothing better! Doing those little skinny-assed chicks, that’s like fucking a little boy. That’s sick, man. So, come on, guys, you’ve got to admit it: banging a fat chick is a lot better than a skinny chick. That’s it, man. Later. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is for the guy who was dissing the HMV girls. Man, if by good pussy with money, you’re referring to the bleached-blonde, fake-and-bake, Botox chicks you find everywhere on the Main south of Prince Arthur, then congratulations, you’ve just won the grand prize of inane conversations about Louis Vuitton and the latest release from Paris Hilton, the crazed coke binges on a Tuesday night and boring flaccid sex because she’s worried about damaging her IMPLANTS. If, on the other hand, you’re looking for an intelligent, artistic and creative girl who knows about the music scene, will keep up with you at the bar, and tell you to stop being a pussy and FLIP her over already when you’re in bed, then I’m willing to bet HMV is as good a place to look as any. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M This is for the person who’s looking for some spots to look at the sunset in Montreal. I know a couple. The first is a hill that’s just behind the football stadium at the Université de Montreal. The bottom of the hill is surrounded by a fence but it’s easily CLIMBABLE. The second spot is the St. Joseph Oratory—especially on top. There’s an observation deck just in front of the upper basilica. So I hope I can be helpful. [BLEEP!]

M This goes out to all the bars that don’t have MATCHES anymore. I can just imagine the cheap owners, yeck, they just stopped buying matches. I always love having my little logo matchbooks—you can tell a good bar if they still fucking give you matches, man. [BLEEP!]

M I’m wondering, why does a woman’s pinkie finger bend when they drink their tea? Bye. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum