M Hi. This goes out to that guy who was wearing NO PANTS at the CSS show at Sala Rossa. My girlfriend was looking at you a bit too much and next time I see you I’m gonna beat you up, you little EMO fag. [BLEEP!]

F I would just like to tell all the readers of the Montreal Mirror that while you guys were all at the Outgames, you totally overlooked one of the best bands out there, the Hold Steady. They played the Sala Rossa and you guys all missed it. There was, like, 45 of us there. The concert was better than Bruce Springsteen in 1978—and I know I’m not supposed to mention someone as mainstream as Bruce Springsteen in the Mirror but it was just that fucking good. Listen. [plays recorded music into phone] Fuckers. [BLEEP!]

M I just got back from the Fatlip show, which was really good, except it only lasted for an hour-and-a-half. Fatlip, you’re never gonna hear this, but you’re a has-been, man. I came to see you because I felt bad, you know, I wanted to give you a little bit of props, but $12.50 later I’m sitting at home at 2:15 listening to Madonna on my computer. Man, go back to Hollywood. [BLEEP!]

M [laughing] I shit you not, people, I’ve just for the first time in my life heard a Sam Roberts song—actually I heard four in a row. What is wrong with you people?! Why does this guy get all the press that he gets? Bland, boring, FM radio, watered-down Bob Dylan—so many people do what he does and do it so much better. Seriously, Roberts, man, grow some balls, step on the distortion pedal, do something, because that shit is weak, man. It’s for the Toronto GOLF-SHIRT-wearing set. Unbelievable. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I just want to say that music critics are total bullshit. They just look up names on MySpace and then try to fool you and make you believe they know what they’re talking about while they don’t know shit about anything. They’re just jerks. People, wake up! Don’t believe the critics!! [BLEEP!]

F Hey, I was on the metro today and I was sitting in one of those single seats and this guy next to me just puts his fucking foot up, right on my ASS, so I’m like, “Do you mind?” Maybe a little loud because I had my headphones on, but he turns to me and he’s like, “No, I don’t mind.” And then he gets off the metro and he just literally, like, steps on my foot so now I’m gonna write a number-one hit EMO song about it. [BLEEP!]

F Hi Rant Line™. It’s seven in the morning and I have just gotten up to a very irate start. I read that rant from the Feel-Sorry-For-Me Junkie who shoplifts. Get a fucking life! You have a hard life and that’s what you have to do to make money?! Starving in Africa—that’s a hard life. Having lived in a concentration camp in Auschwitz—that’s a hard life. You having a drug addiction and being too fucking lazy to do something about it, I ain’t feeling sorry for you. My dad’s an alcoholic, I don’t feel sorry for him, but at least he PANHANDLES—he doesn’t shoplift and try to make people sorry for him. God, I hate people like you. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. I’m calling in to tell the whole world and you guys better put this in the Mirror. It’s about FIREARMS. I believe that all commerces should have firearms underneath the counter. We should have pistols, shotguns, sub-machine guns, land mines, trip-lasers and blaster cannons. Okay, I’m going a bit too far, but the point is that we should have the choice and the option to shoot clients right in the face at point blank range when they try to shoplift. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M To the guy who thinks that all the old men with the hands behind their backs are passive alpha-males. You’re wrong, dude. Go look at some old World War II footage and see all those GERMAN GENERALS. You’ll notice they always had their arms behind their back when they were checking out their soldiers or their captive Jews. [BLEEP!]

F Hello Rant Line™. I am seeing red about this situation. Why is it that I see so many groups of youngsters comprised of up to six young guys and maximum two young girls? I just want to say to the young girls in question, with all the education out there about STDs and rape and sexual assault, why aren’t you using your heads? And also, if you were my daughters, I would WHOOP your behinds. Guaranteed. [BLEEP!]

M Hello. I would just like to apologize to all the women I have CREEPED OUT in my car. I’m a little jerk-off. I try to sneak a peek and be a total perv and I am so sorry for that. I’m vowing to get some help. There ain’t no way I’m gonna live my life like this. And I’d really just like to apologize for being a creep and possibly freaking people out and also for wasting precious gasoline. So that’s it, I’d like to apologize to all the ladies. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum