by RAF KATIGBAK

It’s an age-old story. In the name of the “greater good,” a secret war is being waged and thousands have already been uprooted from where they once thrived. For the last week, those unlucky enough to be hand-picked for removal (the young targeted specifically, as they are a threat when mature) are being rounded up, packed into plastic bags, brought to a Public Works building in Pierrefonds-Roxboro and traded for a coupon, which, if drawn at the next council meeting, could be worth a new composter, or maybe a gift certificate for a local plant nursery.

On the sleepy suburban streets of the West Island, where not much happens—aside from a few home invasions and the odd face stabbing—a systematic program of horticultural genocide is currently underway. City Councillor Bertrand A. Ward has declared an all-out jihad on ragweed, and until August 1, Montreal residents can exchange a freshly picked bag of the stuff at specially designated drop-off zones in the Pierrefonds-Roxboro borough for a chance to win some choice environmentally oriented gifts (check www.ville.montreal.qc.ca/pierrefonds-roxboro for more details).

For allergy sufferers, hay fever is a constant battle between normality and looking like one of those unflattering candid puffy-eyed Britney Spears-in-the-morning tabloid shots you see in line while buying your Mueslix. Pamphlets on ragweed distributed by the provincial health and social services officials reveal that, over the last 18 years, the number of Quebecers suffering from seasonal respiratory allergies has increased steadily. And now, thanks to global warming, ragweed has spread even farther north and threatens to affect an entirely new population with more sneezing, watery eyes and snot-nosed gooberizing than that kid at the back of your class who took the short bus to school.

“Ragweed is becoming more and more of a problem, causing inconveniences and health problems for an increasing number of people,” explained Ward’s attaché Yolande Paquette, “but now people are also realizing that it’s easy to pull out and easy to get rid of without any actual risk. You don’t even need gloves!” The second phase of the contest, Paquette revealed, will be the distribution of graminaceous and white clover seeds, which will spread easily and replace the ragweed.

For those who can’t appreciate the two-fold genius of announcing a “ragweed-pulling contest,” allow me to break it down for you: firstly, it adds yet another great euphemism for “gay orgy” to the urban lexicon, and secondly, it harnesses an as yet untapped power source that just might be the solution to the North American energy crisis: soccer moms. With their seemingly tireless vigour and their natural predisposition to community involvement, soccer moms may be Canada’s most valuable resource since asbestos (except without that whole coughing-up-blood thing).

Take, for example, the storm that left 30,000 homes in Pierrefonds, DDO and Côte-St-Luc without power last week. Now imagine local recreational centres filled with armies of soccer moms pedalling a giant dynamo not only hooked into the local grid, but as an extra incentive, an onsite giant plasma screen running Oprah. If they want to find out how that 17-year-old meth addict turned her life around, and then also how that ex-junkie turns an ordinary cup of tea into a special treat by adding mulling spices (a mix of cinnamon, allspice and cloves) and lemon and orange slices (yum!), then there’s only one solution: pedal like your perm depended on it!

But the potential doesn’t end there. Setting up community beautification contests for soccer moms may be just what Montreal needs to keep its public spaces neat and tidy in the summer. Now that the city is getting rid of its sidewalk recycling bins, perhaps we need a roving gang of middle-aged women with blown-out early ’90s hairdos and experience in discipline to chastise people who throw a recyclable can in a regular garbage bin.

How about an annual “Rubber Rainbow Mountain Day” for picking condoms off the path on Mount Royal? The family who collects the most—while contracting the least—wins! Kids: can you find one in every colour of the rainbow? Or how about a “Shoo a hobo, win a canoe trip!” contest to help festivals keep their downtown sites nice and economically segregated? The possibilities are dizzying.

“To make sure that we win the battle,” explained Pierrefond-Roxboro’s Bertrand A. Ward in a recent press release on the ragweed contest, “we want everyone to get involved.”

Riff-Raff@sympatico.ca

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