How bent
are you?

Test your Queer I.Q. with our handy quiz!

by MATTHEW HAYS

1. Tyler Brulee is:

a) A kind of dessert served in fancy restaurants

b) A breed of French poodle

c) A pretentious fop

d) A journalist from Winnipeg who founded Wallpaper* magazine

2. Svend Robinson’s political career was interrupted after he committed what strange act?

a) He competed on Canadian Idol.

b) He stole some jewellery.

c) He got caught shagging George Michael in a public washroom in Beverly Hills.

d) He goosed Stephen Harper at a Conservative campaign rally.

3. Irshad Manji is:

a) A form of foot fungus that you can get if you don’t wear flip flops in the locker room

b) A rarely-used conjugation of a French verb meaning “I ate two Wednesdays ago.”

c) A rabblerousing lesbian Mus- lim author

d) The capital of Bangladesh

4. The k.d. in k.d. lang stands for:

a) The singer-songwriter’s favourite dish, Kraft Dinner.

b) The singer-songwriter’s primary philosophical influences, Kant and Descartes.

c) An homage to lang’s wife, famous French actress Kather- ine Deneuve.

d) Her name, Kathryn Dawn.

5. Renowned Canadian athlete Mark Tewksbury won his Olympic gold medal for:

a) Aerobics

b) Running while rubbing his tummy and chewing gum, all at once

c) Fellatio

d) Swimming-related activities

6. What percentage of Stephen Harper’s cabinet is queer?

a) None

b) It depends how much they’ve had to drink

c) It depends which phone sex service they’re using

d) 100 per cent

7. Andrew Sullivan is:

a) A prominent gay conservative and Bush supporter

b) A writer with HIV

c) A complete asshole

d) All of the above

8. Which talk-show host stated that there were two people she would never have on her show: O.J. Simpson and Woody Allen?

a) Ellen DeGeneres

b) Merv Griffin

c) Joan Rivers

d) Rosie O’Donnell

9. André Boisclair became famous as the first openly gay leader of the Parti Québécois. What behaviour became a scandal that eclipsed Boisclair’s sexual orientation during the leadership campaign?

a) He got in the eight-items-or- less line at the supermarket when he had nine items.

b) His cocaine use.

c) He publicly acknowledged having sadomasochistic sexual relationships with anglos.

d) He slapped around a former lover.

10. Madonna is reported to have clashed with what famous gay filmmaker?

a) Pedro Almodovar

b) John Schlesinger

c) John Waters

d) Quentin Tarantino

11. Rufus Wainwright was photographed cuddling with what famous faghag:

a) Dolly Parton

b) Liza Minnelli

c) Joan Collins

d) Nina Hagen

12. Which of the following famous actors is actually gay?

a) Tom Cruise

b) John Travolta

c) Keanu Reeves

d) We have already been issued legal papers about this question and have been advised by our lawyers to abort this question immediately. We mean no harm to Mr. Cruise, Mr. Travolta or to Mr. Reeves, nor their families or agents. We wish them well in their careers and procreative efforts, and also have nothing against the Church of Scientology. Please choose option D and move to question 13.

13. What pop star does Marc-André Grondin’s character worship in the hit film C.R.A.Z.Y.?

a) Patsy Cline

b) David Bowie

c) Jon Bon Jovi

d) Lawrence Welk

14. Anne Heche became famous for:

a) Banging Steve Martin.

b) Her keen acting skill.

c) Shtooping Ellen DeGeneres.

d) All of the above.

15. Which of the following performers actually had a sex change operation?

a) RuPaul

b) Anne Murray

c) Alexis Arquette

d) Divine

16. Who has not given voice to a gay character on The Simpsons?

a) Scott Thompson

b) John Waters

c) Harvey Fierstein

d) Rupert Everett

17. Which of the following was an opinion not expressed by the late Quentin Crisp?

a) If homosexuality could be prevented, it should be.

b) ACT UP and other rowdy gay activist groups do a disservice to the community.

c) Give up on looking for Mr. Right.

d) UFOs will rescue the human race one day.

18. CNN journalist Anderson Cooper says he can’t discuss his sexuality in interviews because:

a) That would threaten his authority as an objective reporter.

b) Doesn’t want to offend his pastor, Jerry Falwell.

c) His mommy, Gloria Vander- bilt, forbade him from doing so.

d) That would blow his chances of a date with Tom Cruise.

19. Glenn Murray was the openly-gay mayor of what city?

a) Tehran

b) Winnipeg

c) Brokeback Mountainville

d) Red Deer

20. Many gay men like Celine Dion because:

a) She’s dim and reminds them of their household pets.

b) The throwaway quality of her albums reminds them of casual sex.

c) Her outfits and hairdos make them feel better about their own fashion shortcomings.

d) Hey, every minority makes mistakes.