Dear Surinder,
As I grudgingly enter the word “Botoxed” into my spell check, I wonder what succour, aside from the obvious lack of muted colour application, the adult industry would offer you as a make-up artist. I fully support the right to make and work in explicit films but by no means would I suggest you enter this world with the idea that it ’s going to be even marginally more uplifting than dealing with the paralyzed, scrabbling anorexics at whatever department store counter you’re manning. Even the small peace of mind you might claim prettying out-and-out whores rather than smugly delusional corporate ones is dampened by the fact that you will be working in a multibillion dollar business with a serious disparity in wage allotment.
I suggest visiting Violet Blue’s blog (yes, even I’m getting sick of how much I love her) at www.tinynibbles.com, more specifically, an entry from May 2004 when Violet was in L.A. doing some work for Playboy Television.
“After crusading against stereotypes in porn for years,” she wrote, “I enjoyed the wonderful karma of having to work with porn performers that embodied every negative stereotype of porn performers—and more so than anyone could believe. The production staff were the utmost professionals; smart, hilarious and skilled—and as the behaviour and comments from the porn performers grew stranger and less professional, our humour and disbelief rose with the tide.” Violet chose not to go into personal details, but she did mention that “prizewinning idiots” should be a porn award category. In other words, not everyone you work with is going to be a treasure.
Then there’s the fact that more than 90 per cent of North America’s porn is produced in Van Nuys, California. This means that anyone who wants to get involved behind-thescenes in any serious way needs to be living in a place that’s referred to, and not in a complimentary way, as the Other Hollywood. Can you imagine the emotional atmosphere in a town that’s a sewer like Hollywood’s bitch?
Some Canadian cities do produce a decent amount of the rest of the 10 per cent, but definitely not enough to support a brisk and well-paid roster of make-up artists. If none of this has dashed your dreams, then look on www.sexyjobs.com/makeup.asp where you’ll find scads of opportunities to do make-up in the American industry. Be warned, though, that they often only hire women and apparently occasionally (if I’m reading correctly) combine the job with fluffing.
Dear Nan,
Um... are you hitting on me? If so, then yes, you are e-mailing the wrong person. I have a formal policy of not bedding sexually disgruntled wife-types that use the word chitchat so liberally. It’s just one of those rigid little expressions that makes me think they’re hiding bludgeoned corpses under their sparkling kitchen floorboards.
It seems you’re unwilling to contemplate the possibility of sexual satisfaction with your husband. Seeing as how I’m not exactly an advocate for deception, you’ve forced my hand and now I’m going to force yours. If you haven’t already, it’s time to start masturbating. My guess is that it’s not just lesbian intrigue you’re after, but a more gratifying relationship with your erotic anatomy in general. Start researching good vibrators. Have a look at Betty Dodson’s site www.bettydodson.com for hot tips and techniques. Hell, maybe you won’t even have to cheat on your hubby if you hone your solo skills.
