by JOHNSON CUMMINS

Tons of shows that are guaranteed to put the sweat on the walls this week. First stop, tonight, July13, is the next installment from the misanthropic movie geeks at Cinema Abattoir, happening once again at Zeke’s Gallery. Tonight’s screening will be Metal Storm: The Scandinavian Black Metal Wars. Director Kier-La Janisse compiled interviews from these pale-faced buffoons and delved into the dark world of church burnings, murder, indecipherable lyrics and eternal virginity. Should be some good bits on Mayhem, Enslaved, Emperor, Burzum etc., all battling it out for Satanic supremacy. The movie has the makings of one of the funniest movies you will see this year. If Scandinavian black metal ain’t really your thang (shame on you), get to the cavernous environs of Zoobizarre, where things get primal when troglodytes “Ungh!” lay down some improv garage with Devil Eyes and the Banditas. Words fail me in trying to describe “Ungh!” but they promise it’ll be a real rock ’n’ roll humdinger of a time. (Warning: their MySpace songs prove to negate the rock part of the invitation, but I’ll vouch for the humdinger part.)

If rock ’n’ roll is really your bag and the word “humdinger” makes your skin crawl, check out Quebec’s Surcharge when they serve it up pipin’ hot at l’Hémisphère Gauche on Friday, with Soki Soki and Autopilot.

Despite a secret love of ZZ Top, Strange Attractor recording artist and master master-er Harris Newman can’t guarantee humdinging on Friday night at Casa, but he will lull you with the best acoustic finger-picking to be found in this fair city. Also playing will be Tetuzi Akiyama.

Lil’ Andy, who possesses a baritone voice that can shake walls, plays with Timber! at la Sala Rossa on Friday night as he launches his new CD Home in Landfill Acres. The Playhouse promises Geritol on tap for the aging (not so) hardcore (anymore) set on Friday night when Fair Warning re-unite and remind the roomful of 40-year-olds with mortgages that they were the scene. Will songs like “United Thrashers of Canada” sound weird sung by middle-aged dudes? Will punkers-turned-accountants try to sneak in their own beer? Strap on your 40-hole cherry Docs and find out.

A do-not-miss show this week is the return of former Montrealer and complete fucking freak Corpusse, when he plays with noise terrorist Knurl at Casa on Saturday. Corpusse merges GG Allin and Gene Simmons and has to be seen live to be believed. You will either cower in fear or laugh yourself silly, or laugh yourself silly while cowering in fear, or… just go.

Finally, in what promises to be the ultimate sausage party, Toronto stoner dudes Diablo Red will (ahem) give’r with the drunk rock of Dutch Oven and the slow instrumental torture of Squalor at the Barfly on Saturday. Warning: Audience members without chain wallet, trucker hat, jean jacket and penis will not be admitted.

SANTA IS MY MATTRESS… jonathan.cummins@gmail.com

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