by ALICE AND YANKA

One day, the postman brought words from a specialist of signs and assorted boniments. It said: “To Alice and Yanka, dimwits. Instead of dispatching bloated wordy silliness to invisible eyes every month, pay attention to your dreams, as they shall guide you towards freedom. Signed: your only friend, Pierrot-Guy.”

The clock rang at 2:11 a.m. every night. Sleepy fingers jotted down dreams and croaked right back to sleep. The mornings after, floors and ceilings were thick with dishy jockeys, fleshy sticks of wood and crazy-speaking bovines. Munis de fourches maléfiques et marqués au fer de Pandémonium, les taureaux mugissaient toujours la même chose: “I can’t believe that in one year I’m going to be a teenager.”

This all comes back as Ferdinand, a bull sporting a checkered apron and wielding a cooking fork, looks down from the facade of a grey building on de Lorimier. Eh ben, te revoilà vieil encorné…

Weeeeeaaaarghh. This place is fucked up. The brasserie is packed with tables and beautiful wooden chairs. Every wall surface that ain’t plywood is either aqua blue or painted with Montréal landscapes such as the botanical garden, the Olympic bucket, a racecar, City Hall and a man. The room makes one want to abuse the “!”. Aqua blue! Shingles! Des chaises de taverne! À perte de vue! Et Ferdinand’s long-lost hardcore twin, BOB! BEEF! BBQ! He’s holding a very loooooong and spiky fork, his little eyes greasy with promises. Bob Beef, on t’épouse ou on t’dévergonde?!

“Attendez, j’vais ouvrir les stores pour faire d’la lumière,” dit Manon. She seems happy to have hungry patrons. The old timers mostly prefer to live it out in the real bull ring, la taverne. Still, once in a while, an elderly beauty climbs up from the other side to request a special. Today, it’s either Pâté au Poulet ($6.25), Foie de Boeuf ($5.95), Rôti de Boeuf ($8.50) or l’Assiette de Smoked Meat ($7.25). Soup: celery! Dessert: apple pie!

Eating Bob and Ferdy’s descendants right under their roof seems a tad perverse, but we don’t got much choice. Sorry, bulls. The meals should be painted and hung on walls. Dark slices, soft mashed potato balls, garlicky coleslaw, mammoth pickles, a sprinkle de persil on everything, macho fries, boiled carrots, all served on plates that would make Granny very proud. Manon brings as many boules de pain Pom as we desire too.

Later, an attempt to spend the night and sample the jumbo spaghetti ($4) almost turns into a big, fat failure: it’s Saturday and no one cooks on the weekend. Luckily, everything comes to those who choose to eat chips ($1.50 for a king size bag) and bocks ($2) of cold beer for dinner. The booze den is vast and calm and ô so wonderfully lit by tiny keg ceiling lamps. Pastures fit for kings and cows.

Monsieur Tremblay, the 77-year-old looker who owns the spot since 1972 (“49 ans de mariage, quatre filles et électricien de métier”), decides to join us. Tant mieux: he’s amazing. The conversation swells with 10,000 stories. We find out, among many, many things, that Ferdinand was a boeuf au coeur tendre who wasn’t bull enough to fight in the corrida. The smoking ban hurt the business but M. Tremblay’s on it. He wants to fire up the grill again but “pas n’importe comment. Faut d’la bonne viande, du bon boeuf de qualité et un chef. J’prends mon temps.” He drinks Harp “la meilleure bière!” from the bottle ($3.50!). Can’t get any better than this, non?!

We wish him luck, a good night’s sleep and a fresh crop of drinkers because he really rocks. And cares about his bulls. People of Rosemont, don’t let this gem die down. Encore merci monsieur Tremblay, et à bientôt.

cheapmotel@hotmail.com

Brasserie Rosemont
ADDRESS: 5860 de Lorimier
TEL: 271-7571
BOOZING HOURS: Mon–Sat 8 a.m.–3 a.m; Sun 2 p.m.–3 a.m.
EATING HOURS: Mon–Fri 11 a.m.–2 p.m.
CHEAP HOURS: Mon–Fri 5–8 p.m. Pitcher: $5! Jumbo spaghetti: $4!
BOOZE: Beer, simple cocktails, shots
WHEELCHAIR ACCESS: Loads of steps
VEGETARIAN FRIENDLY: No way
SUPERSTARS: M. Tremblay, his staff and the $3.50 Harp bottle
RATING: Good as is; potential for excellence with fine-tuning