F Okay, so this week it’s about music, right? Music is good and all and I love how, like, rock is the new pop, but if I have to hear the word PUNK one more time, I’m gonna kill someone. Punk is dead. It’s been dead for at least 20 years. Get over it. [BLEEP!]

M Ha ha ha. I was glad to see someone blasted my AFI rant—DRUNKEN rant that it was. It was a pretty easy target, I gotta admit. But, seriously, dude, I don’t need your lessons on skate punk culture. I listen to most of the bands you named. I had a subscription to Thrasher magazine all throughout high school. I still skate. I’ve fucking seen Social D in Fullerton, so all your lesson was pretty useless for me. And, also, I think you should have mentioned RICH KIDS ON LSD in there, because the late great Jason Sears was a vert skateboarder and a sponsored snowboarder. Oh yeah, and Johnson, I get a kick out of your weekly column. Your fucking review just rubbed me the wrong way, but you’re still my favourite music critic—in Montreal, that is. Take care. I’m out. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, this message is for Johnson Cummins. I just wanted to say that I’m absolutely shocked—shocked—that you’ve just now discovered the Trigger Effect. The wonderful, hedonistic men responsible for Rock Fight and Fear & Loathing in Montreal and generally keeping this city in a state of DEBAUCHERY. At the same time, I’m very relieved to know that I didn’t see you at those shows before because you just didn’t know them, rather than because you were snubbing these people, who are fantastic. So I guess I’ll see you in the future because now you know the truth and the way that is Trigger Effect. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M Look, you guys, we missed out. You know, it’s not Arcade Fire. It’s not Arcade Fire, man! The last most important band in the whole fucking world is a Montreal band and it isn’t Arcade Fire—fuck Arcade Fire—I know I’m two years out of date but, look, it’s Bran Van! It’s Bran Van, man! The second album, it is Montreal, it is Montreal totally fucking hit on a fucking nail. Listen, give it a listen… [garbled unintelligible music is heard] [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, so like I’m a bicycle courier, okay. And I’m doing this delivery at 1002 Sherbrooke when, all of a sudden, somebody from behind me asked me if I like Slayer. I was, like, “Yeah, fuck, yeah, I like Slayer.” I turn around and he starts talking to me about the show and I realize it’s Mike Babins from CJAD and CHOM FM and he says, “Are you going to the show?” and I said, “Well, the tickets are kind of pricey.” And then he slaps two free tickets on me, man. Mike Babins rocks! He kicks ass! Listen to CHOM and listen to the Trivia Show! And Slayer kicks ass too. [BLEEP!]

M For the doofus who’s forgetting to dial 514. You don’t have to do that until, I believe, October. If you had the PATIENCE, you’d listen to the message, where if you wait an extra second it says, “We will now put your call through.” And I’d like to bone Sass Jordan—that’s the second point. [BLEEP!]

M Here’s a suggestion for the gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgendered music-loving community. Why don’t you get someone to cover the classic CAROLE KING song? The hook lyric would go “You make me feel like a natural transgendered person.” [BLEEP!]

M Hi. I don’t know if anybody can answer my question but why is it that people don’t buckle up in cabs? [BLEEP!]

M If I make a noise, will a true sound emerge? If a guy sucks onstage and I suck someone else, will I be happy again? Is there really enough to go around? How long does it take to find a fuckable Chinese girl? If I find the person who stole my skateboard, will the person whose bike I stole find me? [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I just read the Rant Line™ and I noticed that this column is sounding more and more like the Jerry Springer show. What the hell’s up with that? [BLEEP!]

M This goes out to my ex-girlfriend. Thanks for the THERAPY. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, Rant Line™. I’m calling to rant about something I’ve noticed in Montreal. What does one do when they’re above 25 and trying to meet decent people? Where does a girl go to meet a guy if she doesn’t want to go to bars where she babysits? Or if she doesn’t want to go to after-hours where everybody’s so high that they don’t even know if they’re sticking it in your ASS or in your CUNT? You know what I mean? Come on, people, give us some adult entertainment spots for people to meet. How come it’s so hard in such a big city? [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, hey, little new to this city. Just wondering if somebody could help me find some nice COUGAR BARS here in Montreal. You guys got some beautiful women. Help me find them. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum