M I just wanna set a few things straight. AFI is not a skate-rock band or a skate-punk band or a hardcore band at all. They might wear Etnies and look like skaters, but really they don’t give a shit about it. To be in a skate-rock band, you all have to be riding skateboards or DOWN FOR LIFE in the skate culture. Basically, bands like the Duane Peters Gunfight, JFA, Los Olvidados, Drunk Injuns, Suicidal Tendencies, Black Flag, Descendents—these are skate-rock bands, because they still have fun on a skateboard. Basically, Bones Brigade. Stoner rock bands like Fu Manchu and Brant Bjork, these guys still surf and skateboard. So get your fucking facts straight, man, or go listen to AFI, get your emo haircut, put on your fucking loser makeup, and ride your fucking longboard with your guitar in the back. [BLEEP!]

M My name is Joe. I was at the Streets’ concert last night with Lady Sovereign, and she really rocked it, it was an awesome concert. But my girlfriend got BACKSTAGE PASSES to go see her and get all her stuff signed, and Lady Sovereign was nowhere to be seen. Mike Skinner was there, everybody was there, they were all fantastic—we even saw Mike Skinner outside and asked him where Lady Sovereign was. He told us she was in her TRAILER. We knocked on the door, got two different stories, she was obviously lying, she was in there! Which really sucks because my girlfriend went and bought a CD she already owned just to get it signed for friends. So, Lady Sovereign, if you’re reading this, it’s too bad that you weren’t there to sign for your fans. [BLEEP!]

F This message is for the idiot who said that he was going to SLIT HIS WRISTS and slice up his face into little pieces if there was one more season of American or Canadian Idol. Either you auditioned for it, asshole, and you didn’t get through and you’ve still got something to pick with Sass Jordan, or you’re just an idiot. You’ve obviously got way bigger problems than you think and you need some serious professional help! Take my advice, take a little walk down to the Douglas, admit yourself, tell them that you hear all these fucking voices in your head and Sass is still getting mad at you because you don’t know how to sing!! [BLEEP!]

M So I’m watching Canadian Idol over here and there’s a certain Canadian songstress/vocalist on the panel of judges who pretty much looks like she’s having a big ol’ wet orgasm every single time someone gets up and bellows like Jon Bon Jovi and it’s just occurring to me that I could probably give her the same treatment—if not with my voice, then with something else. [BLEEP!]

M I would just like to say that every single woman that works in the HMV on Peel street downtown is extremely attractive and gives great service. Extremely attractive, great style and everything. Just wanted to mention that. Cheers. [BLEEP!]

M Rock Star Deliveries does not exist. I repeat, it does not exist. Rock Star Deliveries does not exist. [BLEEP!]

F All right, this is where you can find SHEA BUTTER. Go to Plamondon metro, go upstairs, there’s a little hair store there. If you can’t find it there, go out on Victoria street, go to Doreen’s, or go to Snowdon. Any ethnic store, any black or any Indian store has shea butter. One. [BLEEP!]

F To the girl looking for raw, untreated shea butter. Go up to Jean-Talon, north side, west of Parc, there’s a store called African Market—or something like that. North side. It’s all good. [BLEEP!]

M This is for whichever dickhead introduced this 514 dialing bullshit into my life, because in the last three days I’ve had to dial every single phone number that I dial over again. So instead of adding an extra three digits onto the number that I have to dial, they’ve actually added 10, because I forget every time and end up having to dial the fucking number again—just like I did when I called to leave this fucking rant. [BLEEP!]

M Does anyone know what 411 is for literally? I don’t believe it works that well. I always get this obsolete machine asking me questions. I give them a name, what I want, what I need, never get the right phone number—am I the only one who has this same inconvenience? What about when you get transferred to the operator when you say “English” and they only speak to you in French? Is this a mere coincidence? [BLEEP!]

M Yes. This is something I’d like to say—this applies to people of all ages, all sizes, all colours, all creeds, all backgrounds and all economic statuses. Happiness is not money, happiness is the one FAN in your house pointed straight at your bare nuts, after coming straight out of the shower on a hot summer day or evening. Give it a try. [BLEEP!]

F You know I was taking a shower with this guy and he walks out of the shower to take a piss in the toilet whereas I pee in the fucking shower. Who doesn’t pee in the fucking shower? [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum