M I’m calling because I’m an old AFI fan and, yeah, they’re not fucking crazy skate-punk hardcore anymore. But the new record is pretty fucking fun. And I think the five on 10 mark that Johnson Cummins gave it was kind of WEAK. I just got back from the show and it’s true it wasn’t STONER ROCK but it was a fucking fun time! Take care. [BLEEP!]

M If there’s one more season of American or Canadian Idol, I’m gonna SLIT my wrists and SLICE my face up into little pieces. Can someone do something about this before I do that? Please? This is fucking ridiculous. [BLEEP!]

M Am I the only one who’s noticed that at the end of every World Cup game, they sing “Go West” by the Village People? Why would they play that? I know GERMANY is sort of gay and everything, but give me a break, honestly. [BLEEP!]

M I’ve been a DUTCH supporter for a couple of years now and for the World Cup, I’ve been flying my flag on my car. But everyone keeps saying, “Allez la FRANCE!” You’ve got to be kidding! Montrealers can’t tell the difference between Holland and France? Get a clue! [BLEEP!]

M Yes, yes, to the girl who said Rock Star Deliveries has the BEST BLOW IN TOWN. She’s an idiot. She doesn’t know what she’s talking about! That shit’s stepped on a hundred times before it reached her. It’s disgusting, it’s worthless. Any connoisseur would tell you exactly the same. Rock Star Deliveries delivers shit. [BLEEP!]

F This week’s Rant Line™ is so BAD. I just made it to the third one and I can’t even handle it anymore. I should have paid for Seventeen magazine at this rate. Pussies and hippies—I hate you all. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. I’m just calling to say that I think the Rant Line™ should be about two or three or four pages because it’s really the only reason I get the Mirror. Hope you take my advice. [BLEEP!]

M Can everybody stop ripping on Stephen Harper for being fat? Rip on him for his weasel face, for his beady fucking eyes, his Calgary cowboy Christian Nazi bullshit. Rip on him for being a homophobic nutjob neo-con American dicksucker. But the constant fat jokes only serve to piss off and alienate TUBBY PEOPLE like myself. Peace out. [BLEEP!]

M Greed is reaching new extremes every day. Try to put some AIR in your tires anymore and find a free pump anywhere. They’re charging you a quarter to put air in your tires and you can’t even fill up all your tires. You gotta keep putting money in. This is how greedy they’re getting! They’re making record profits on gas and they’re charging us for air! [BLEEP!]

M Hi, Rant Line™. I was in Lachine at a Petro Canada station and I bought gasoline and paid for a basic car wash. It came to $33 and change. And you know what? They wouldn’t take a 50 dollar bill. This is getting ridiculous! Nobody wants fifties or hundreds because of their fear of counterfeiting, and nobody wants pennies. Modern life, I’m telling you. Maybe the government should just stop making them. But Petro Canada, come on! It’s a chain—it’s not a Mom and Pop shop. Get a counterfeit checker machine! [BLEEP!]

M No, I don’t fucking want Air Miles. Jeesh. [BLEEP!]

F To those people who said that as long as you keep your hair clean, you won’t get LICE. It’s not true. It doesn’t matter how clean your hair is, you can still get lice as long as you’re close enough to someone else that the lice can jump into your hair. That’s all I have to say. [BLEEP!]

F This goes out to the asshole who stole my bike yesterday. I’m actually trying to be pro-active about this. Last year, I called the police the last time somebody offered me up a stolen bike and I witnessed the most wicked TAKEDOWN with six cruisers. So next time some guy walks up to you and says, “Do you want a bike for $25?” call the cops. You have a cell phone. Tell them where the guy is. They will take him down! And if anybody sees a 20-year-old burgundy Raleigh girls’ bike, I would really love to hear from you. [BLEEP!]

F This rant is about Lavalife. I’ve noticed a few changes—none for the better. First of all, there’s a shortage of unique and interesting profiles in the BI-CURIOUS category. Same old, same old, blah blah blah. So I tried to spice things up recently by placing one of my own original ads, but they censored me for using words like LICKING and SUCKING. I mean, it was very TASTEFUL and creative and in the appropriate category. Since when has Lavalife gone PG 13? I’ve tried twice after that, placing different ads, both times leaving out licking and sucking, and they found some other bullshit to pick on. I mean, how can you try to tell me what my personal ad sounds like or should sound like? It’s the only phone line I know that has a feature offered to gay women! I’m about to take it to the streets and be, like, “Excuse me, miss, what’s your name?!” [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum