“Empty your pockets” is not just a post-arrest demand. It’s some sound pre-crime advice that too few seem to heed. Case in point: 31-year-old Rodney Harper, a hapless bastard making his home in the sad decay of Indianapolis, Indiana. Off to rob a neighbourhood bank, Harper stashed a gun in his jacket. Not a bad place, except that it was also where he’d put his birth certificate. And bank card. And phone bill.

The bank’s surveillance video shows all of the aforementioned tumbling out as Harper drew his weapon. Though Harper didn’t notice the papers, a bank employee did and put his foot over them. Harper fled with an unspecified amount of cash, all of which he abandoned when the dye pack in his booty bag exploded. Two days later, Harper watched from his window as police surrounded his house. Then he called 911 and told the dispatcher, “I’m wanting to turn myself in,” and that he was unarmed and ready to accept his fate.

» Scott Saxon