by ANNE MARIE MARKO and CHRIS BARRY

Okay, so it’s the big Grand Prix weekend in Montreal and you find yourself saying, “So what? A bunch of cars driving in circles making a ton of noise... like, I care.” Fair enough—it’s not everyone who has an interest in Formula 1. But there are millions of cool things you can do locally this weekend that have nothing to do with Formula 1 racing. Well, maybe not millions, but at least 30. Here are a few suggestions for both the jaded local and the eager tourist.

1. LEARN TO MASTER THE FLYING TRAPEZE
And really, who hasn’t wanted to try their hand on the flying trapeze at some point in their life? The Trapezium, which has been serving this circus-heavy town since 1998, is a recreational centre where young and old alike can both discover and practise this invaluable skill.

Instructors teach you the ropes with the ultimate goal of seeing you one day fly through the air to be caught by the hands of a catcher swinging on another trapeze. Pretty cool, man.

Trapezium, 2350 Dickson, 251-0615, www.trapezium.qc.ca

2. BARE YOUR ASS AT OKA BEACH
Ignore all those signs along the way telling you nudism is prohibited and let it all hang out, baby. Even though the occasional group of religious whack jobs surface every couple of years to shield us all from this perversely sinful activity by complaining loudly to the various authorities, to date the SQ and park officials have been pretty good about turning a blind eye to the several hundred naturists found here any warm weekend afternoon.

Here’s how to find the clothing-optional section of the beach. From the entrance to the park, head for the beach area. Duh. From the extreme east side of the public beach (i.e. on the left looking at the water), take the path running alongside the lake for about 2.5 kilometres. When you start seeing lots of naked people, guess what? You’ve arrived.

Oka Provincial Park, 2020 chemin Oka, Oka, Quebec, (450) 479-8365

3. GO BOOZIN’ ON THE CRESCENT STREET STRIP
If you can’t really afford to take in the race but want to hang with the Grand Prix crowd anyway, Crescent street is where you’ll want to be. From Thursday, June 22, through Sunday, the strip between Ste-Catherine and Sherbrooke will be closed to traffic as the eighth annual Grand Prix Festival on Crescent street gets underway.

Groove to the cool sounds of soundbeatradio.com, who will be providing the canned music on the street, check out some of the acts who’ll be performing on the outdoor Budweiser stage, or venture in to any of the numerous swinging establishments that line the street.

Winnie’s is a legendary local meat market that’s spawned many a one-night stand, ditto Thursday’s, or maybe, if you’re out on Thursday itself, check out Overdrive Grand Prix Weekend at Club Vatican, where local DJs Mystik, Infamous, Venom and others will be spinning.

For more info, go to www.crescentmontreal.com

4. GO BOOZIN’ ON THE ST-LAURENT STRIP
If you start finding Crescent street just a little too corporate and/or Grand Prix-centred for your particular tastes, then you’ll want to head on over to the Main for a slightly different atmosphere. God knows there are enough watering holes to be found along the stretch of the Main from Sherbrooke to, say, Bernard, ranging from high-end joints like the Globe and Shed Café to the considerably less glamorous confines of the Copacabana or la Cabane a little further north, all the way up to the Green Room, Boa and the Whiskey Café in Mile-End.

5. GO BOOZIN’ IN THE VILLAGE
Gay or straight, the Village is a way cool part of town, replete with restaurants, bars, boutiques and cafés. Stretching along Ste-Catherine from Berri to de Lorimier, and on the north-south axis, from René-Lévesque to Sherbrooke, there are countless places to get shit-faced and maybe even find yourself a little lovin’ action to boot. Two drinking establishments of note are Club Parking (1296 Amherst) and le Drugstore (1360 Ste-Catherine E.), a mammoth complex of eight bars on eight floors sporting one of the nicest rooftop terraces in town.

6. PLAY “WHERE’S KARLA”
Hey, Homolka is both sexy and arguably dangerous—imagine the fun you could have together if you could only just make contact with her. Well, what’s stopping you from trying? Is she still in the South Shore, or has she moved to NDG? Maybe she’s even hiding in your child’s playroom? When you do find her, be sure to let us know, we’ll buy the story from you.

7. BROTHER ANDRÉ’S BID FOR SAINT HOOD —DO YOUR PART
All he needs is one more miracle and the “old gadabout,” as our kindly Brother André was sometimes referred to, will qualify for sainthood. So don’t be selfish—there must be something wrong with you that a prayer to Brother André can fix, right?

Feminine itching, embarrassing permanent erection, toes like eagle talons, uncontrollable giggling? Kneel on every step (there are 283) or just take them two at a time, the Oratory is worth the climb.

Your options for healing? Praying to Brother André’s preserved heart, praying to Brother André’s entombed corpse or paying a visit to the room where he allegedly fought with the devil.

St-Joseph’s Oratory (3800 Queen Mary), 733-8211, www.saint-joseph.org

8. SPELUNKING IN ST-LEONARD
Beyond being very fun to say, spelunking, or caving, is also very fun to do. Unless of course you’re horribly claustrophobic, afraid of the dark or just don’t want to spend any time in St-Leonard. But if you’re down with getting down, you can explore caves that are between 10,000 and 20,000 years old. Who knew? The Société québécoise de spéléologie provides guided tours to both novice and experienced cavers.

4545 Pierre-De Coubertin, 252-3006, www.speleo.qc.ca/

9. SPEND AN AFTE NOON AT THE MONTREAL HOLOCAUST MEMORIAL CENTRE
Feeling a little bummed? Stop being a baby and indulge yourself in some real human misery by spending a little time at the Holocaust Memorial Centre. A sure-fire way to put your own problems into perspective. Hey, maybe you’ll come away from it all just a little bit wiser and with a new understanding as to why racial intolerance is maybe kind of a bad thing.

1 Carré Cummings Square (5151 Côte Ste–Catherine), 345-2605, www.mhmc.ca

10. HUNT FOR HOS, PIMPS AND JOHNS
Why should bird-watchers have all the fun? And you won’t even need binoculars or a fancy outfit to engage in this self-esteem-building activity.

Park yourself in a window seat at the Burger King at the corner of St-Laurent and Ste-Catherine, directly across from the pee-soaked doorway of the Bolero tourist room and commence watching the Keystone Kops-like antics of street whores and the men who love them. It’s always a treat to time the encounters or witness pregnant hookers smoking cigarettes while discreetly flagging down customers.

Other choice locations are St-Jacques around Cavendish or the area around Frontenac and Ontario. Harder to find a good seat there though.

11. VISIT THE OVARIUM
What better time to get in touch with your inner being than during Grand Prix weekend? If you’ve never spent 40 minutes in total blackness, encased in a huge egg-shaped tomb, buoyed by some seriously salty water while listening to new-age music, well, man, you gotta go.

Housed in the old Laurentian bank building, the Ovarium gives you the option of a floating bath, massotherapy or both. You will be given a cool robe and some herbal tea following your return-to-the-womb experience.

400 Beaubien E., 271-7515, www.ovarium.com

12. GO SKATING
Missing the chill of winter yet? Pretend it never went away by heading over to Atrium le Mille de la Gauchetière, a year-round skating centre housed in a glassed-in atrium right in the middle of a downtown skyscraper. Pretty cool, huh? Well, hey, at least it’s air-conditioned. It’s only $5.50 to get in but remember to bring your own skates or it’ll cost you another fiver to rent some for the day.

1000 de la Gauchetière, 395-0555, www.le1000.com

13. GO PARACHUTING
If you’ve never done this before, it only involves a few hours of training before you can latch on to an experienced instructor and enjoy the majesty of skydiving in a tandem jump. It’s also a unique way to empty your bowel should you find yourself a little backed up from all those summer BBQs you’ve been enjoying lately—so be sure to wear a diaper. You know, on the off chance you don’t regularly wear one anyway.

Parachutisme Nouvel Air, 200 Lebeau, Farnham, Quebec, 380-9205, (450) 293-8118, www.nouvelair.ca

Parachutisme Adrénaline, 881 Lamontagne, Saint-Jérôme, Quebec, 1-866-306-0855, www.paradrenaline.ca

14. PLAY VOLLEYBALL AT JEANNE MANCE PARK
This summer brings with it the 33rd consecutive season of accessible, organized volleyball in Jeanne Mance park, at the eastern foot of Mount-Royal. Everyone is welcome to play—no matter how hard you suck.

The whole show is supervised by association staff who provide beginners with advice on rules and tips on play. The six courts are located on the east side of Parc, just below Duluth. The action gets underway at noon and continues until sunset every day.

For more info go to www.miltonpark.org/ sprts_vllybll_en.htm, 872-0566

15. OGLE THE BIKINI-CLAD VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS AT JEANNE MANCE PARK
Not particularly athletic, are you? The idea of jumping up and down whacking a ball around seem kind of dumb to your mind? That’s okay, spend a few hours at the volleyball courts and you’ll be thinking of heading home to whack something else within no time. They’ve even set up spectator benches for you along the courts. Just try to make it seem like you’re as interested in the game as you are the flesh so as not to make anyone uncomfortable or risk getting your head kicked in.

16. GET YOUR BALLS WAXED
Why not? After all, it’s summer and you want your boys to look their most splendid for those lazy afternoons spent at Oka Beach. A male Brazilian with Lysanne Gingras takes about 45 minutes and costs $34.

Normand Coiffure (1645 de Maisonneuve W., #102), 934-0309

17. TOUR WHAT’S LEFT OF CANADA’S FIRST INDUSTRIAL SLUMS
Griffintown and Pointe St-Charles bear the proud distinction of being Canada’s first industrial slums, home to countless 19th-century Irish immigrants fleeing famine and other industrial-age nastiness. Many structures from the period still exist.

Go to Quebecheritageweb.com for an excellent suggested walking tour of the area.

18. BOOK A ROOM AT LE 456
You could spend the entire weekend here: The rooms are cheap, there’s tons of entertainment, there’s food, TV and, of course, hot man-on-man sex of all types.

Well, maybe not all of it’s so hot but you can close your door or just avoid eye contact with the troll in the towel who’s lingering outside your room watching you masturbate to just one of the many porn flicks available to you at this, the largest sex sauna/emporium in the city. And it’s right near Chinatown—you could even go for Dim Sum first. 456 de la Gauchetière W., 871-8341

19. GO LOOKING FOR LEONARD COHEN IN THE PLATEAU
Given he’s been spending a whole lot more time here recently, you could get lucky. For starters, you can always stop by the Montreal Main on St-Laurent for a smoked meat sandwich or their friggin’ amazing $7.99 BBQ beef ribs special and hope he turns up.

But if for some reason he remains elusive, you can try stalking him in Parc du Portugal, at the corner of Marie-Anne and St-Laurent, which happens to be right across the street from his digs at 28 Vallières.

And if for some strange reason you find that gets to be boring after a few days, shoot on over to Westmount and stand outside Lenny’s childhood home at 599 Belmont. For sure the current owners will be happy to see you. Why wouldn’t they?

20. GO LOOKING FOR MORDECAI RICHLER IN THE PLATEAU
True, you’re even less likely to find Richler hanging out in the Plateau, given that he’s been kind of dead for a few years now and spent more time in the Golden Square Mile area in his later years anyway, but you can always follow in his footsteps and marvel at his old high school, Baron Byng (4251 St-Urbain, near Rachel), now the home of the Sun Youth organization, or check out Wilensky’s (34 Fairmount W.), Duddy Kravitz’s old hangout, purveyors of one damn fine salami sandwich and a truly delightful throwback to a long, bygone era of the city’s history.

21. TRY OUT A SWINGER’S CLUB
Now that the Supreme Court has rendered public boinking a legal, if still somewhat risqué, activity, you can take your partner and pork in a room full of other like-minded libertines. There’s certainly no shortage of “swinging” establishments in our fair city these days, with Auberge 1082, Club Nuances, or the new Club l’Orage all being pretty good places to get your feet, and perhaps a few other things, wet.

Auberge 1082, 1082 Rosemont E., 272-1082, www.le1082.com; Club Nuances, 4467 St-Laurent, 845-1741,www.clubnuances.com; Club l’Orage, 4951 Ste-Catherine E., 253-5063, www.orage-club.ca

22. INTERNATIONAL FLORA MONTREAL 2006
Bear witness to what will become an annual event as International Flora Montreal makes its debut at the Old Port. Whether for tips, ideas or just to stop and smell the roses, you can visit over 45 gardens—each individually and expertly designed—representing one of five categories: Show, Water, City, Avant-garde or Street-side. Picnic tables are provided should you want to bring a lunch.

Parc des Écluses, Old Port of Montreal, 1-866-55-FLORA, www.floramontreal.ca

23. OLD MONTREAL GHOST WALK
What better way to learn about the city than by following a map leading you to historical crime scenes? If that ain’t your bag, you can encounter the spirit of a fur trader and other spooks while on the hunt for the long dead of the New France era.

Or there’s the traditional ghost walk where your guide, a Sorcerer/storyteller, will tell you tales to chill you to the bone but won’t tell you when something just might jump out to... BOO!

Tours leave from the Old Port (reservations recommended), 868-0303, www.phvm.qc.ca

24. CHECK OUT ONE OF MONTREAL’S MANY WORLD-CLASS PEELER BARS
If you really feel like taking in the vibe of the Grand Prix weekend without having to pay any attention to cars, this might well be the perfect activity for you. Rest assured, with Montreal’s worldwide reputation for housing the finest strip clubs this side of Tijuana, a good portion of Grand Prix tourists will be enjoying the sights right along side you.

Gay, straight, male, female, whatever, take heart, there’s a local establishment catering to your peccadilloes. And as an added bonus, remember Montreal strip joints proudly feature full nudity, none of that G-string-use-your-imagination nonsense found in many other North American cities.

For straight men and lesbians, there’s always the world-renowned Chez Parée (1258 Stanley), or Wanda’s (1458 de la Montagne). For straight chicks, you can check out the sizable man meat at Club 281 (94 Ste-Catherine E.), and for gay males, be sure to check out Taboo (1950 de Maisonneuve E.) if you like ’em young and hung, or West Side (1071 Beaver Hall), if you’re more into the bodybuilder type and don’t feel like making your way out to the Village.

25. SPEND THE DAY GO-KARTING
Everyone knows Formula One is for pussies and that the real racers are always to be found on go-kart courses. There are several go-kart tracks nearby, with Grand Prix Karting in Brossard offering an indoor track should it be raining outside. Or if you really want to feel the wind race by your helmet, go to where Jacques Villeneuve got his start, SHKarting near Mont-Saint-Hilaire, a huge outdoor karting facility only 15 minutes east of the Jacques-Cartier Bridge.

Grand Prix Karting, 7205 Taschereau, Brossard, (450)-462-8807, www.grandprixkarting.com; SHKarting, 2456 4ième rang sud, St-Charles-sur-Richelieu, (450) 584-3610, www.shkarting.com

26. CYCLE THE LACHINE CANAL
Why not? Oh yeah, I forgot for a second, it involves exercise. Still, the price is right (free), the path stretches roughly 12 kilometres from the Old Port to Lachine, and cycling makes for a lovely way to kill off an afternoon.

27. TOUR A CEMETERY
Every tombstone tells a story. Yes, there are guided tours and maps but there is also the simple beauty of following your own path through whichever section of the cemetery you choose to spend your day in. It’s always peaceful there and many of the headstones are bona fide works of art. You could stumble upon the grave of Mordecai Richler or of a long lost ancestor. It’s all part of the fun.

1297 Chemin de la Foret, 279-7358, www.mountroyalcem.com; 4601 Chemin Cote des Neiges 735-1361, www.cimetierenddn.org/en/default.asp

28. RIVER SURFING IN THE SAINT LAWRENCE
Mad props to Corran Addison—the South African champion kayaker and river surfer who now makes his home in Verdun—for giving Montrealers one more reason to boast. Who’d have thought that in a city where winters can last six months there would be the opportunity to surf the St-Lawrence? Addison discovered an ever-present six-foot tall standing wave that never breaks and thus allows for an epic ride. Lessons are available for those who’ve never surfed anything but the Web.

St-Lawrence River at Habitat ’67, 697-0366. Check out www.2imagine.net for daily wave conditions and information on lessons.

29. DINNER IN LITTLE ITALY AND AN EVENING IN JARRY PARK
Whether you’ve a hankering for a gallon of extra virgin olive oil or a craving for a savoury dish of spaghetti bolognese made with fresh pasta, rest assured you’ll find it in Little Italy. Yes, this is the land of restaurants small and large, all offering quality eats.

Work off your gluttony with a walk to Jarry Park to see what’s going on. Could be the local elders playing an intense game of bocce or teens perfecting their skater moves—it’s all good.

Little Italy: North of St-Zotique and south of Jean-Talon between Marconi and Drolet. Jarry Park: Between Jarry and Faillon, west of St-Laurent.

30. RIDE THE AMPHI-BUS
See Montreal from land and river without even having to change vehicles? Is this even possible? Well, it sure is. Operating since 1985, the big blue and yellow Amphi-bus is both a boat and a bus. Start with an air-conditioned guided tour of Old Montreal and then stay on board as you make the gentle transition from land to water—just like that.

Tours leave every hour from 10a.m. to midnight during the high season—2 rue de la Commune E., 849-5181, www.montreal-amphibus-tour.com

31. SEE THE STARS AT THE PLANETARIUM
Ah, the Planetarium. When was the last time you were there? Grade 6? Maybe it’s time to go again. This time you won’t have the embarrassment of pulling up in an old yellow school bus and, also, you won’t have to listen to boys making farting sounds in the darkness—unless that’s what fries your proverbial burger.

The Star-Theatre is built in a series of concentric circles all facing the very space-age-looking Zeiss Projector, allowing you to view more than 9,000 stars under cloudless skies. Surprisingly, and somewhat criminally, dope-smoking is prohibited.

1000 St-Jacques W., 872-4530, www.planetarium.montreal.qc.ca