Dear Sasha: I am a sort-of happily married male in my mid-40s. I love my wife and children. The problem that I am facing is that my wife is sort of old-fashioned and does not consider sex as a priority. I understand her situation—she’s going through a surgery and sex is not number one on her agenda.

At the moment, we don’t have sex at all. The last time we did was probably two or three years ago. I consider myself a very sexy, open-minded person who enjoys having sex. I was wondering if there are females in my category. Is there an agency that I could join for some advice or meet up with someone and share my sexual activities (with all the protection of course)? I have no intention of breaking up my marriage and leaving my family. —Alex

Dear Alex,
I’m glad you’re considering safer sex, but there are other issues you’ll want to think over when planning an affair. Though I don’t blame you for considering other partners after two or three years of celibacy, living two separate lives requires a certain commitment to detachment. You may meet someone who you have extremely passionate sex with, and this might change your attitude towards your primary situation. Are you prepared for this possibility?

I’d also like to flag your classification of a lack of desire as “old-fashioned.” Although this is a very common way of defining this quality, I think it belies a larger problem, which is the stifling inability to communicate around sexuality. This requires learning, language and skills, not falling back on clichés. There are likely many more reasons your wife is disinterested in sex, and she may be able to articulate these better through therapy, both individual and couples’. And yes, of course there is an agency that facilitates affairs between married people. It’s called Ashley Madison.

Dear Sasha: Last summer you wrote about Tex made by Vixen Creations and how it was a great toy. I bought it, and I paid $9.80 for shipping and handling to UPS online through Vixen. It came today by UPS and they asked me for an extra $57.18 for brokerage costs. Since you are the only other person I know that bought this, did you have to pay this crazy amount too? —Andrea

Dear Andrea,
I’m sorry to hear this, and it’s actually partially my fault. The Tex is always well stocked at Canadian sex shops where you can order online (like Good for Her and Come As You Are) and I knew that and didn’t mention it. I get a lot of flak for crediting the same shops over and again so sometimes I will simply reference the manufacturer to avoid what appears to be partisanship. Now look what happened: because I bowed to this pressure, you lost $60.

I personally didn’t pay any brokerage costs. I was sent a sample and I don’t remember who delivered it, probably because I was too busy tearing it open and pulling my pants down at the same time to take note of the truck’s logo.

A few people who deal with brokerage fees—which are comprised of customs paperwork, duty and administration fees—told me that UPS’s are notoriously hefty. I called UPS, where a representative said something about GST and PST and duties on certain materials. Like materials that sex toys are made of? Immediately my ire went up over the possibility that the outrageous fee was based on the nature of the product because of all the issues I, and many others, have had over customs and sex toys—even when most adult companies use discreet packaging and euphemisms. I also called Canada Customs, where one of their representatives calmly made it clear that most of these charges were actually from UPS. Your PST and GST taxes are exactly the same as they would be in Canada—since this product is made in North America there is no additional duty. Vixen does have a warning on its Web site but who expects the charges to all but match the price of the toy? A lesson for both of us. Sorry it had to be at your expense.

Got any questions for Sasha? Email: POULEDELUXE@YAHOO.COM