by ALICE AND YANKA

Much like plagues, drought, hair on fire, the daily grind is deadly. It does not let you go camping on a Wednesday. It turns you into a television-watching jellyfish. It makes you believe you won’t die if you don’t get rye whisky. One is unlikely to win, but one can always try to think up ways out. Incineration. Quit job. Move to Newfoundland forever. Shred bills. Drink in Verdun.

Donc Villa del Tequila, Verdun, PQ. Tequila seems like an efficient brain-numbing blood substitute. And the friendly people de la Villa offer more than salt, lemon and dried dreadlocks to go with it.

François, le charmant serveur, brings two passion fruit margaritas ($5.50 each). They look real good. They taste like lemon skin and passion fruit tequila slush. Euh, Franky, man, ça nous écorche la soif, ton drink. He spins and wails and comes back blushing with shots of syrup. Il avait oublié le sucre. Sordidness dissolves instantly. More, s’il-vous-plait.

Ensuite, il y a tout ça…

Salade de nopal ($7.75): Bottomless, somewhat monotonous plate of sliced cactus mixed with crumbled feta cheese, raw onions and diced tomatoes. We use the complimentary homemade chips and salsa to make tiny nopal sandwiches but this one’s a screwball.

Paloma ($5.50): Grapefruit soda & tequila in a sturdy, thick glass. Jésus crisse. Oysters taste like junkie cum; Paloma tastes like parking your naked ass on a patch of grass with coffee & cigarettes & Paul Simon on a warm weekday afternoon.

Guacamole ($6.99): Don’t know where this comes from. Maybe François thinks we ought to ingest more food. The fresh avocado mush nous inspire une tartinade orgiastique avec Cacus et Minotaur. We remember books filled with pictures of avocado pits held by toothpicks over wet cotton balls. Dans l’temps où on s’cassait la yeule dans la ruelle de la rue Joyce. Pourquoi est-ce qu’on pense à ça. Grand-papa? Food?

Nachos de la villa ($8.99): Fromage, olives noires, jalapino (sic), sauce et crème. “Yo Jalapino, viens-tu fumer une cigarette avec nous dehors? On peut s’mettre des masques d’animaux sauvages, si tu veux. Allez, ça va être chouette…” Mais Jalapino reste coi. Et se contente de nous brûler l’antre buccal et de mettre de la couleur dans l’assiette monochrome. We wolf down the top half, then discover the creamy cheese sauce, faint, get arteries declogged, eat more, faint more, put arteries up for sale.

Charro blanco ($6.50): Tequila, Kahlua & lait évaporé (!) dans une grande tasse. An endless stream of shirtless Verdunites equals sweat-stained hormones, so François brings it cold. Tink tink tink, les p’tits cubes de glace flottent comme nos cervelles dans le liquide céphalorachidien. Better than dreaming, this one.

Enchiladas verde ($12.99): Fresh poultry rolls, assorted trimmings, a delicate layer of verde. Notes: Un magnifique camaïeu de vert. Tout luit d’un doux film soyeux et légèrement verdâtre. Hot.

Classic margaritas ($5.50 each): Woo, c’est boozay ça, hein, mon beau Frank? Heeee, on peut faire des twists avec not’ langue. Vois-tu les mots qui déguerpissent entre les pattes de chaise? Man wird sich mit Tierhäuten bekleiden, um die ganze Nacht mit den Fischern von Halifax zu tanzen! i nostri reggiseni sono farciti con le braciole di maiale, bambino!

Molcajete au poulet ($15): Chicken, red sauce, cactus, cheese, black beans, rice, tortillas and scallions. Superlative. Huge. Everything. The volcanic rock bowl “chauffé à blanc” (dixit François enthusiasticleruoiewly) is shaped like a black pig with really high legs. Its beautiful little pig head is adorned with sweltering bangs of very green scallions. Lovely, hilarious, encore.

Tequila Sunrise ($5.99):

We no more.

THE END: $123 for guacamole, nopal salad, nachos de la Villa, chicken molcajete, enchiladas Verde, seven margaritas, one Charro Blanco, one tequila sunrise and one Paloma. Tip not included. Tax, who knows?

La Villa del Tequila
ADDRESS: 4427 Wellington, Verdun
TEL: 762-5518
CARDS: Yes
BOOZE: Boring beers, sangria Mexicana, wine, tequila everything,
whisky shots, café Mexicano, vodka-jus de raisin.
TERRASSE: Yes, but no booze allowed outside.
WHEELCHAIR ACCESS: Feasible
BEST THING: Black and white old posters of old-school
Mexican hunks everywhere. Viva la Revoluzion!
4 FUN CALL: The Vampiro—tequila, Clamato, limon, Tabasco ($5,99).
STARS: ****