By the time you read this, terrorists will have launched a full-scale nuclear attack on the UN building in Manhattan. New York City will lay in irradiated ruin and there will be wailing and gnashing of teeth. According to Lord’s Witness, a U.K.-based Bible research group Armageddon starts Friday. Or Saturday.

Careful to point out that both The Bible Code, popularized by Michael Drosnin, and The DaVinci Code, depopularised by Ron Howard, are absolute nonsense, Lord’s Witness claims to have broken the true code of the Bible and are claiming, with 85 per cent certainty, that a shit rain will fall in the form of a nuclear attack on the UN sometime between June 9 and 10. The Lord’s Witness press release recommends New Yorkers leave town for the weekend.

As proof of their sincerity in both their research and their warning, the Lord’s Witness gang points out that they “run the risk of looking like complete turkeys on June 11th... rather than looking like the wackos that we presently look like to a lot of people.”

» Scott Saxon