F To whoever said the Saturday night DJ at Buona Notte is whack—he’s the best DJ Montreal has! How can you say that you’re a DJ when you can’t even recognize that someone is the best beat-matcher and mixer that Montreal has ever seen? [BLEEP!]

F I always read the rants and I never think to call in, because I usually have nothing to say. But after reading someone’s comments about the Saturday night Buona Notte DJ, I have to ask if this guy was for real. The Saturday night DJ only plays HIP HOP, so for this guy to call in saying the HOUSE DJ’s really shit—either he doesn’t know his music or he’s on drugs. The hip hop DJ on Saturday nights is, by far, the best hip hop DJ that Montreal has! You can tell by seeing that every Saturday night is JAM-PACKED with people going to see that DJ! If you have any doubts, go back on a Saturday night and don’t confuse Friday night’s shitty HOUSE for Saturday night’s crazy hip hop. [BLEEP!]

F For the guy who says he goes to Buona Notte and the DJ sucks. I’ll tell you what I do. I go to SAQ and buy a bottle of vodka for $40 and listen to music with my elite crew, my friends. Paying $600 for a bottle of vodka doesn’t make you elite, it makes you a sucker. So suck it up, buddy. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I have a rant. I’m the DJ on Saturday nights over at Buona Notte. I have a couple of pointers for this fake-ass DJ who called in. Number one, don’t HATE just because you don’t play a club and I pack Buona every Saturday night. Two, for a person who claims to be a DJ, learn the difference between hip hop and house. I play hip hop. Maybe you were so drunk off this IMAGINARY $600 bottle that you forgot where you were or what day it was. Fuckin last thing: you have another problem, I’m there every Saturday night, come and talk to me. Or maybe you can see me at one of the other three residencies I hold down every week. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Yo. Too bad for all the suckers out there who missed the Hollywood at Marché Bonsecours on Friday night. That shit was IRONIC, y’all. There were, like, four people there. The red carpet was mad empty. Almost as empty as the dancefloor during DJ Tiga’s big gay set. Totally off the hook, everyone was schmoozing and pretending to have fun which is so dope—except for those interesting young guys from Kidnapper Films who are always so emotional. The Montreal anglo party scene is hotter than ever! V.I.P. Totally lame and soul-free. Represent. [BLEEP!]

M Fuckin’ A, Miami. The Miami is the last bastion of punk rock! People remember it from the first time around. People who go there are from the old school. Now, listen up, kids, because Foufounes Electriques, man, it’s lost its soul. The only place left in Montreal is the Miami. I’ll be the first to get a membership when that becomes a PRIVATE CLUB. Rock on. [BLEEP!]

M I’m just calling to say that DREADS is not something that you get put in. Dreads is something that you EARN. By twisting your hair, leaving it alone and not combing it for a long time and just keeping them. It becomes a part of you. It’s a natural process—your hair locks and you begin to get more strength and spiritually, vibe-wise. So earn your dreads. Don’t put them in. Become one with your dreads. A’ight? Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M Hello, Rant Line™. This is my rant and it’s about being a PANHANDLER in the city of Montreal. There’s a BERMUDA TRIANGLE in Montreal where no panhandlers can make any money and it’s between Bleury and St-Urbain, along Ste-Catherine. You know, where the Place-des-Arts and Complexe Desjardins are? Where the Jazz Festival is? In the seven years that I’ve been here in Montreal, all the panhandlers that I know told me they never made any money on that place. Now why that is, I don’t know, but it’s true. Love you. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M I’m calling about all the WHITE KIDS who are getting dreads right now. Do everybody a favour and cut your fucking hair already. You look like a fucking squeegee punk, okay? [BLEEP!]

M I just want to say that Quai des Brumes is really shit. Last week I go there, I have a couple of beers with friends, party time, I go to the bathroom and then I get bit by a dog, on the MOLLET. I just get very surprised, I get angry at the guy, having a dog in a bar, start yelling at him and then walk, and then he get back to me saying I just didn’t have to walk on his dog! But since when is it normal to walk on a dog in a bar?! The waiters and the manager just didn’t give a fuck when I told them I just got bit by a dog in their bar. So if you don’t want to get BIT AND SICK by a dog, don’t go in that fucking bar. It’s a crazy place. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum