by MATTHEW HAYS

It is with some amazement that I left the cinema last week, after viewing the ludicrously overhyped blockbuster The Da Vinci Code. Directed by capable director Ron Howard, the film is a ridiculous conspiracy movie, one that suggests a vast religious nutjob conspiracy that has managed to keep the fact that Jesus had kids under wraps for a couple of millennia.

But my sense of amazement didn’t come from the movie itself, which is really only a slightly-above-average bit of stupid summer escapism, but rather from certain Catholics and the Vatican itself, who have suggested some people might actually mistake this for fact.

Yes, those talking heads all over the news—busy enhancing the movie’s multi-million-dollar publicity campaign—appear to be seriously concerned that moviegoers might stumble into this thing and think they are watching a documentary. And that’s the most astonishing thing about The Da Vinci Code.

The plot points are fairly straightforward and true to Dan Brown’s bestseller. Tom Hanks plays a Harvard symbologist who is yanked away from a book signing to help authorities investigate a murder at the Louvre. When there, he realizes he’s in the midst of one mother of a cover-up, and before anyone can say, “extended chase sequence,” he and Audrey Tautou are on the lam, being followed by homicidal cops and psychotic members of Opus Dei, that secretive Catholic sect. (Note to readers: I must responsibly remind everyone that this movie is fiction. In this film, members of Opus Dei aren’t nearly as psychotic, twisted or homicidal as their real-life counterparts.)

Hanks and Tautou seek solace with Sir Ian McKellen, who plays a religious expert. They all hop from clue to clue, realizing where they must go to find the next piece in the puzzle. The way they were holding up clues and talking to each other about them reminded me of Scooby-Doo.

Which is about as deep as this movie gets. Chase sequences are the easiest way to rouse an audience, and on this level The Da Vinci Code works. But don’t buy the hype; other than that, this film feels about as whitebread and ordinary as Ron Howard.

The Da Vinci Code is now playing

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