M Anyone who finally receives this rant, please find yourself a copy of the Montreal Mirror’s Best of Montreal Readers Poll 2006 and turn to page 26 and go to the category of Best Singer/Songwriter. Then go down to number eight and number nine. Number eight, Amanda Mabro. Number nine, Jonas. Now you know why Montreal is gonna sink like fucking New Orleans. Those bastard voters have ears filled with COTTON and noses filled with Charlie’s cheap coke. [BLEEP!]

M This is Smack Daddy J and I’m ranting about the Montrealer Closest to Hell in the Best of Montreal. That should have been me! I campaigned for fucking months! You think Karla Homolka’s video was bad? Have you seen any TWP fucking videos? Motherfuckers! What do I have to do? Do I have to punch a priest in the head? Do I have to wear my fucking muddy shoes in a mosque to be voted Montrealer Closest to Hell? Fuck Jean Charest! Fucking José Persico—who the fuck is that? I’m more popular than José fucking Persico. I say the fucking Best of Montreal is FIXED! You people, I declare a war. TWP declares war against the Montreal Mirror! [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is a reply to the chick HATING on Shades. Please. The reason why they still get props is because they’re one of the original groups who put shit down. And yes, they’re not a group anymore, but they all do shit. I mean, didn’t “Off the Hook” just win Best Radio Show in BOM? Isn’t that one of the guys from Shades of Culture? This is the biggest problem with all you young kids nowadays. You don’t know where you’re going if you don’t know where you came from. And, trust me, the guys in Shades of Culture support all the hip hop artists that are coming up. And most of the people shouting them out are the hip hop artists coming up! So what the fuck? [BLEEP!]

M To the bitch who said that Shades of Culture need to step aside. Shades of Culture is part of the foundation of Montreal hip hop. Hip hop doesn’t start with you—it started before you were here! Understand that there’s a past, there’s a HISTORY, Shades of Culture is part of it in Montreal. If they’re getting big ups by the next generation, that’s great. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, my rant is to that theorist who blamed the ills of society on punk and rap. You clearly need to start reading the NEWSPAPER, because the world and all of its ills can’t be blamed on people who are putting out records. Did you know that, for example, the mineral, COLTAN, found in your cell phone, is destroying parts of Africa right now because the main supply is in the Congo? I mean, what does that have to do with rap? What does that have to do with punk? Open a newspaper and turn off your Discman. The world is an awful place but get your priorities straight. [BLEEP!]

F I’m just calling to apologize for all the things I said about the INDIES. I’d like to end this war. Because I go to Vanier and there’s pretty much nothing attractive on two legs with a PENIS and when I get home to Mile-End every day, I’m really thankful to see the indie kids, because they’re better than the Vanier kids. So let’s all let it lie. [BLEEP!]

M This message is for cyclists—MILITANT ones. At the corner of Mont-Royal and Côte-Ste-Catherine, should you turn right on a red light and should a motorist crossing the green give you a little beep because he almost hit you, do not try to start a fight with him because, next time, you will feel a TIRE IRON—not a car—smashing your skull. [BLEEP!]

F To the guy who likes the plus-sized women. I think it’s funny that he finds that they’re the finest FRIENDS you can have. Who says fat girls don’t fuck?! [BLEEP!]

M I’m ranting back to the bag of douche that said graffiti makes the city look like a ghetto. You’re wrong. It makes it look like a city. It makes it look like a living breathing URBAN ORGANISM. If you don’t like it, I’m sure there’s room in some tag-less suburb somewhere for you. Bleep. [BLEEP!]

M To the guy who asked the graffiti question. The reason we don’t tag our own cars and stuff is because that stuff’s OURS, you know? We don’t really care about you or your stuff and we actually hope that you have to see our tags. Fuck you. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. This is the girl who ranted a few weeks back about my friend—the hot personal trainer—not being able to score some pussy. And some people responded back saying they were gonna be at Lips—yeah, yeah, yeah, big talkers. Same old tired bitches. You’re gonna have to keep going to the straight bars, because that’s where they’re at. Either that or COMEDY CLUBS, according to Lava Life. That’s where they’re all at. That’s their interests. So good luck, lady, because it ain’t gonna happen here. You’ve got to move to San Fran or something. Peace. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum