Dear Sasha: I have been dating a guy for one year now. It is a straight/monogamous type of relationship, but my boyfriend has a long history in BDSM relationships. When we first started dating I agreed to try it with him, but I found that it did nothing for me personally. He said he didn’t enjoy it either because he’s never had a loving relationship with a BDSM partner and he’s always kept the two separate.

This leads me to wonder if he needs or wants to lead a double life somehow. To add to this, he is impotent much of the time. We go weeks and months without any sexual intercourse at all. He claims he doesn’t want BDSM in his life, but my feeling is that seriously hardcore BDSM, like any sexual tendency, is a calling that you just can’t suddenly bury in an attempt to be “normal.”

Our inability to “merge” is also very troubling as it seems connected to his BDSM past and our difference in sexual needs. Now he is talking about wanting to have kids. As our relationship is primarily non-sexual, it is hard for me to see how we could raise a child when we’re both bringing so much to the table. This is all very confusing for me. Is there a way to get beyond these barriers? Any feedback would be appreciated. —Confused About Cuffs

Dear Confused,
Sure, because if not having intercourse with your partner for months at a time, denying core interests and possibly seeking them out clandestinely doesn’t strengthen your bond, having a baby definitely will. While you’re at it, why don’t you invade Iraq together to enhance your intimacy, or for that matter, bake a pie?

These things make as much sense as effective solutions as having a kid.

When I was an exotic dancer, I had many clients who shared certain delicate adventures with me that they kept from their wives. There were a variety of reasons for this, but two that stood out particularly. The first was that their spouses were not interested in pursuing their predilection with them—some were downright disgusted—and told them to manage it without them, no questions asked.

The other was that they felt bringing this fantasy to the homestead would somehow make it less exciting. They had developed a secret ritual around it, and they didn’t want it diluted by a sense of normalcy and tolerance. Because they had cultivated their interest in shameful solitude, they assumed that remorse and seclusion were required conditions for its existence. Another way of looking at this is that there were sacred aspects to both parts of their lives—their marriage and their unresolved sexual desires—and they simply couldn’t reconcile the idea of bringing them together.

Why would your boyfriend rather live doling out sex reluctantly than trying to find someone with whom he can be on equal terms both emotionally and sexually? Why would you tolerate a relationship with someone who doesn’t have regular sex with you because they are avoiding having another kind of sex? The combination of you not being interested in SM and your boyfriend being uneasy about its place in his life makes for a complex resolution process, and one that would benefit more suitably from a kink positive therapist than a child.

Dear Sasha: This is going back a ways, December, 2001 to be exact, and is regarding your story on the Fleshlight. You mentioned that several stores sell this item. I can’t seem to find any and I was wondering if you could help me out. —Dave

Dear Dave,
It looks like you may not be able to get it at a local retailer. (The Fleshlight, for those of you who don’t remember, is a flashlight-shaped device with a soft removable insert designed for male masturbation.) Priape no longer carries it, nor does Séduction, and reps from both stores told me it no longer exists. Not true; there’s simply no Canadian distributor, which means retailers have to purchase large quantities from the manufacturer. It can be procured online from Come As You Are (www.comeasyouare.com), one of a few Canadian retailers that has it. They stock the original model called the Lady and three newer ones: the Speed Bump, the Wonder Wave and the Ultra Tight.

Got any questions for Sasha? Email: POULEDELUXE@YAHOO.COM