M So what the hell is up with this local band Galaxie 500? Don’t people realize that that name is already taken by a late great band from about 15 years ago?! They were like a guitar, dream-pop kind of band. They went on to become Luna and then Naomi. Just because a band breaks up doesn’t mean you can steal their name, otherwise you’d have all these local shit-assed bands called the Velvet Underground and the Beatles! Especially since the original band just had a retrospective come out. I don’t know if this local band thinks that because they’re Québécois they can get away with it—I’m just warning them that LAWSUITS are probably on the way. [BLEEP!]

M I don’t know if anyone else has seen the cover of the May issue of Exclaim yet, but is it possible that Buck 65 has killed Tiga and craftily fit his way into his shoes? I think Buck 65 is leading a double life—or is it the other way around?! [BLEEP!]

M This is Gandhar from the band Far From Shore. It was brought to my attention that something was published about our band in this paper. To whoever submitted that comment—while I appreciate that you enjoy our music and its messages, there are more productive ways to get the point across than to rag on some other bands who have probably worked tremendously hard for their achievements. If we truly want to live in love, peace and harmony, we must be constructive and not destructive with our criticism. [BLEEP!]

M Hello, friends. I would like to thank the Montreal Mirror for all the support of the Unpop festival—I think it’s fucking great—but there was a little bit of a typo on my e-mail address last week. It was spelled as ANTKILLER but it’s actually AMPKILLER—as in he who ends the lives of amplifiers. Yeah, ampkiller@gmail.com. [BLEEP!]

M This is my first rant ever. I’ve been in Montreal a little while. My rant is with the music reviewer from the Hour named Martin Siberok and it has to do with his review of Morrissey’s new album. I hope that Martin Siberok gets hit by a 10-ton truck. Please print this because I’ve never had anything printed before, and tell him that it’s Christian Doré who has a problem with his review. Thank you very much. [BLEEP!]

M The new Tool album sucks. It sounds exactly like their last album. How did it take them five years to re-release Lateralus again? [BLEEP!]

M Hello, this is a message to all the wonderful South Asian people out there and other fans of BHANGRA MUSIC. Desi and bhangra music. We have funky, funky music at Jello Bar every Wednesday. It is incredible music! It is extreme, virtuoistic shock soul improv as well as Desi bhangra music. Yes, every week at Jello. So if you wish to fulfill your craving for bhangra, every Wednesday at Jello we will entertain you. [BLEEP!]

M This rant goes out to the advertising executive responsible for recent TV commercials featuring songs like “I’m Not Like Everybody Else” by the Kinks, “Why Can’t I Touch It” by the Buzzcocks and, believe it or not, “Have Love, Will Travel” by the Sonics. Stop using my favourite music to sell me stuff I could never afford! [BLEEP!]

F Yeah, this message is concerning Mrs. Y-A who left a rant about people going from candy kids to emo to whatever to indie. Guess what? Some of us come from the SOUTH SHORE and we don’t give a goddamn what those people are called or what their brand is. We just care that they look hot! So stop bashing it for us with names and fucking titles concerning their style. We don’t care—they’re hot, point blank. Love, Miss N-S. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M I’m calling from the Santropol in reference to the comments that were made about us. We had no idea that we had an INDIE KID INFESTATION but we’re gonna do everything we can to get that situation under control as soon as possible. If everybody can just keep quiet to the Régie about that? Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, I’d like to say that whenever I come to visit Montreal that you’ve got some of the hottest looking women. The slim ones are okay but I’m talking about the PLUS-SIZE ones. They are sweeter than anyone that I’ve ever seen in any place. They look great, they look fine. They’re great to dance with, they’re great to social with. The slim ones, ah, they’re all a pain in the ass. So I’ll come back to Montreal and I’ll be checking out every club and every PLUS-SIZE WOMAN I can find. Because why? They’re the finest friend you can have! Thanks. Take care, Montreal. [BLEEP!]

F Hello, is this customer service? I have a complaint to make. I recently purchased a J. Lo bra from your collection and one thing I was left to note was that I wish Ms. Lopez would have had her BUTT in mind when designing this because it does shit for my BOOBS. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum