by RUPERT BOTTENBERG

“I won’t bitch about people not dancing, I’ll bitch about people not making out,” says Brad “…sizzler” Bennett, guitarist and vocalist in the chaotically overstaffed Brooklyn mega-band Bling Kong.

“If we had a way to more fully encourage people to make out at our shows, that would be awesome. That’s our true goal. We’re talking about making out with anybody, regardless of their gender or orientation, all the time. You never have anybody, after they make out with somebody, look upset. Maybe a couple of minutes later, you might regret some things, but at least immediately afterwards, making out with people makes people happy, and we’re all about doing that.”

So now you know what’s expected of you at Bling Kong’s Montreal debut this weekend. Make out or get out—although spazzing out on the dancefloor should suffice, if cold sores or whatever make a case for not getting face. But what, on the other hand, should you expect of Bling Kong?

Expect an over-the-top pop explosion that suggests the B-52’s scoring speed off Twisted Sister. Expect no less than three drummers (one of ’em with those vile octopads from the ’80s!) alongside twin guitars and bass. Expect a bonus video montage care of Brandon “Money Shot” Bussinger, the band’s “video ninja” (“There’s all kinds of shit in the stuff he runs,” says Bennett. “One of my favourites is these bikini chicks dancing with cold cuts”). Expect furiously enthusiastic lyrics about sex, sex and sex—these folks toss the word “cock” around the way Andrew WK deploys “party,” as evidenced on their snappy, self-released debut EP Do the Awesome.

And expect a quartet of cheerleaders in full regalia hollering this gleeful filth in classic go-team-go style, while all parties involved go careening into each other.

From varsity to our city

That’s right, cheerleaders. It’s about damn time that someone recognized the hormonal, hyped-up, high-school equivalence of rock ’n’ roll and cheerleading, especially after the cinematic masterpiece Bring It On totally fucking brought it on.

“If you need somebody to get an audience involved, to get people worked up, you’ve got a whole role created for you. That’s the point, man. Who better than cheerleaders? That’s their job!

“When people ask, ‘What’s with the cheerleaders?’ I usually lead with a line from Bring It On, where they call cheerleaders ‘dancers gone retarded.’ No, none of them have any background in cheerleading. Some of them have been dancers, but not cheerleaders. Part of the Bling Kong thing is indulging in fantasies a lot. So it’s an exercise in, you know, those things we never got to do because it was too cheesy, or something no one really liked in high school.”

Bennett confesses that the band has yet to achieve the aerial antics of Bring It On, the foxy teens of which gave Cirque du Soleil a run for its money. “We are not yet playing at clubs that allow us to do that, so we haven’t written it into the show—we’re still piled on top of each other, because there are so many of us.”

There are, and not just on stage—the band’s stay-home auxilliary “crue” includes costume designers, official shutterbug and stylists. The origin of the whole thing falls neatly into the “so crazy, it just might work” category. “We had a friend, a designer,” recalls Bennett, “who was in a contest to make a poster for a movie that should never be made. His idea was Bling Kong, this King Kong spoof that was all like chicks, cars, big necklaces and whatnot. We were all loaded one night, and thought that was hilarious. He had made a shirt out of the original design, and we thought, ‘We just need a band to sell that t-shirt, it’s so cool!’”

A collective alcoholic blackout limits recollection of the next stage of the band’s genesis, but enough scraps remained to make this foolishness an inexorable must-do.

“You know, you go out drinking and you get all these crazy ideas—but this one, we had the idea, all these girls were gonna be cheerleaders. We don’t even remember why. In the next couple of weeks, I made a little demo in my bedroom, and said, ‘Hey, remember that idea we had? What if we started that band, and here’s what it sounded like?’ And everyone was like, ‘Yeah! Let’s do it!’”

Three cheers and then some for that!

With Tony Ezzy at Green Room on Saturday, May 6, 9 p.m., $10

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