by SARAH ROWLAND

If you enjoyed the breathtaking effects in Yimou Zhang’s Hero, the passion in Ang Lee’s Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and the comedy in Stephen Chow’s Kung Fu Hustle, then you needn’t bother with Chen Kaige’s The Promise because it’s really no more than a watered down mix of the three.

The long-awaited martial arts fantasy starts off with a desperate peasant named Qingcheng stealing food out of the pockets of dead soldiers. That’s when some sort of fairy godmother floats down from the skies to offer the mangy child a shot at a new life. The deal involves Qingcheng growing up to be a total babe and having all the riches in the world bestowed upon her by adoring men. The only catch is any man she loves will leave her. And for a starving kid, the thought of having all the sticky buns she can eat is just too tempting to refuse.

Fast-forward a couple of decades and sure enough she’s got it bad for a celebrated general (Hiroyuki Sanada), who has seduced Qingcheng (Cecilia Cheung) under false pretences.

Meanwhile, the man who really loves her is the General’s super-powered slave (Jang Dong-Gun), who dressed up as his master in order to save Qingcheng’s life from an evil king. Will she find out the true identity of her knight in red satiny armour? Doesn’t matter. Either way, she’s screwed because of the pact she made oh so long ago.

Which brings us to Cheung—though lovely, Ziyi Zhang she is not, so it’s hard to believe she could bring an entire mythological kingdom to its knees. And as far as the CGI-enhancement department goes, with the exception of one man-vs.-charging-beast scene, the digital effects are pretty budget for a plot this fantastical.

Then we have Sanada’s attempts at comedy. There’s just something inappropriate about his facial mugging like he doesn’t know what movie he’s in.

In fact, judging by the finished product, Kaige spent a little too much time musing over man’s burning question—Is our fate predetermined or can we control our own destiny?—when he should have been helping his actors find their characters and his cinematographer tighten up the art direction.

The Promise opens Friday, May 5

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