by SARAH ROWLAND

Jimmy Buffet’s cover of Bruce Cockburn’s “Wondering Where the Lions Are?” lets you know early on that this is a film with an environmental conscience and the steel drum breakdown tells you it takes place somewhere tropical. And yet for all Hoot’s generous telegraphing, there’s nothing in the establishing montage to prepare you for 90 minutes of the worst child acting in recent history—think Danger Bay set in the Keys.

Roy Eberhardt (played by Logan Lerman, a stiff Joey Cramer knock-off) is an eighth grader who’s just transferred from Montana to the hick town of Coconut Cove—and in this post-Brokeback world, that makes him an easy target for bullying. But his straight-up attitude eventually wins over of the likes of Beatrice (Brie Larson) and Mullet Fingers (Cody Linley). These two environmentally friendly outcasts are in the process of trying to stop a pancake franchise from opening a restaurant in an area where endangered burrowing owls reside. They’ve tried everything to halt construction from planting gators in the Porta-potties to stealing bulldozer seats.

If these shenanigans don’t have you in a fit of hysterics, there’s always the butt of the Coconut Cove police department, Officer Delinko (Luke Wilson). He’s been assigned to stop those pesky kids before the mayor’s ribbon-cutting ceremony or else! Lucky for Roy and co., the clumsy but good-hearted cop is always two steps behind them.

Though all three young actors prove themselves to be both talentless and utterly forgettable, as minors, they can’t be expected to bear the brunt of this Floridian flop. The adults, on the other hand, should be ashamed of themselves. Kiersten Warren, who plays Roy’s mother, has the emotional range of a sedated politician’s wife. In a case of mistaken identity, Delinko tells her that Roy has been admitted to the hospital. To which Warren responds like she’s just been told her hair appointment has been bumped to another day.

And Wilson? Why he chose to whore himself in this thankless slapstick role is a mystery. The only reasonable explanation is he has a soft spot for American wildlife, (in which case, he’s forgiven). After all, the fact that this corny family flick calls attention to the plight of these birds is its only redeeming quality.

Hoot opens Friday, May 5

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