F Hi everybody. It’s Razor Girl responding to the guy who wants to know why Montreal band members look so SCARY. Well, I’m going to tell you because I’m just full of information. It’s the BEARDS. Come on, guys, we understand that in the winter your faces get a little bit cold, so you have the privilege of growing hair there to keep warm. But they’re not stylish, they’re not sexy and I’m not kissing any of you. Shave the beards! Over and out. [BLEEP!]

M I just wanted to let you know I was at the Far From Shore concert last Thursday at le Divan Orange and they were brilliant, energetic and soulful. Now, during the concert I experienced this moment of CLARITY where it dawned on me that the Arcade Fire is just pretentious, Wolf Parade is just pointless and Sam Roberts is just prosaic. So I was wondering when the Mirror and the rest of the media was gonna get their heads out of their asses and start paying attention to a band that actually has something valuable to offer us all. You gotta stop PEDDLING the same old bags of shit. [BLEEP!]

F Hello Rant Line™. I’m sitting here with my friend Twee reading Buddhist philosophy and he is more beautiful than the moon. I just wanted to say that people don’t give HUGS enough and everyone is so fucking pretentious and I wish people would tell each other that they loved each other more often because the world would be a better place if they did. And check out Kamikaze Baby—they’re a really tight band because their hearts are as wonderful as their music. [BLEEP!]

M To the woman who said that the Candy Kids had evolved into emos which then evolved into indie. If you’re spending so much time on that particular spot of attention, which is the physical and the superficial, then you’re not really taking in consideration the evolution the person’s making, man. I’m just saying clothes are clothes, it doesn’t matter. Mind over matter. [BLEEP!]

M Miss Bitchy Barmaid made me mad at the Metropolis. She won’t hook up a free glass of water—what is this? Only bottles for four dollars? I oughta drown you WATER WAR WHORE. All aboard the twinkie love boat reggae of the UB40-somethings! Good thing I didn’t pay for these Club Med styleez. Go choke on your extra cheese, please. This is Dodgy Roger over and in. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, ever notice that the only people complaining about how hip Mile-End is becoming are the hipsters, and the only people complaining about the Mile-End scene are the scenesters? I never hear Tammy from the Dragon Depot complaining or the nice Korean couple who run the FRUITERIE on Bernard. Or the barber or the Hassids or the Greeks or the guy who fixes shoes. Everyone just take a deep breath. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. This is the first time I’ve ever called the Rant Line™. I don’t know anything about eating meat—it doesn’t make a difference to me—but I know one thing: when I’m with my boyfriend and he eats vegetables and fruit, his LOVE JUICES taste better. [BLEEP!]

FSantropol has always been parasitically infected with the indie—the indie and the hippies. That is their demographic. Without them, they would not survive. [BLEEP!]

M The cheapest litre of soy milk I can find/sells for a dollar 59/at Segal’s/now motherfuckers in Buick Regals/can do nothing but whine/about the price of gas/you call yourself middle class/but you’re actually rich/all you drivers can kiss my ass/you ain’t nothing but a bitch. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is Scal from TattooMania. If you want to find Dave Knight, he’s at PSC Tattoo in Pointe St-Charles. Phone number 931-2325. And yeah, the motherfucker is good. Love you Dave. [BLEEP!]

M To all the smokers out there. It’s time we asked for a non non-smoker’s bar. That’s right. A smokers only bar. Peace. [BLEEP!]

F What smokers lack is initiative. So here are my thoughts: I think what we should do is have a big fucking PARADE somewhere downtown where we all just show up and smoke. And if somebody wants to take initiative and get a loudspeaker and rally it up, that’s great too! But the main thing is to set a date and a specific time when we go meet up and have a big smoke. [BLEEP!]

M To the lesbo complaining about her lesbo friend not getting laid at the lesbo bar, Lips. Well, now you know what it’s like to be a MALE. Fucking lesbo. [BLEEP!]

M To the lady who wants to get laid but “it’s virtually impossible with these fucking dykes.” Well, I just wanna say that is so TRUE, because I have tried and I have tried. [BLEEP!]

F To the girl who was ranting about Lips and girls not being able to get laid. Listen, I will take your 25-year-old friend who’s a personal trainer with a hot body! I’ll be at Lips on Friday night. And you know what? You can watch if you enjoy that. Ciao. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum