by ALICE AND YANKA

Terrible wants to happen. If we ingest one more chicken wing or insane spaghetti dish this month, things will die. Faut un break d’la trash routine. We shave a leg and use a big toxic marker to write down guidelines: no cow booths, no potatoes, no beer-stained undies, no conversation with the food, no unplanned trekking through the seedy, unless it leads to beer-stained undies.

Chassez le naturel et il revient vous pulvériser le visage telle une balle de baseball atomique, c’est bien connu. Hours later, we are famished and we are grey and we are lost. To hell with it. Justement, there’s a familiar blue & white square straight ahead, which means some stranger will soon get to take us all the way for $2.50. Then the number comes into focus: Arrêt 160. Fuck it. We’ll eat fish meatloaf and hot-chickens mais pas la 160.

At first glare, the only other option is Monsieur Poulet et Mets Chinois. Câlisse. Tout ça pour ça. Once the tears have run dry, on aperçoit le Café Mogador de l’autre côté d’la rue. C’est même pas un mirage; on s’étrangle dans nos amygdales en beuglant de joie.

It’s way too nice for us. Les chaises sont tellement spacieuses qu’on peut s’asseoir sur nos mollets et se broyer les rotules. A man languorously sings of sexy sweat on the stereo. Within milliseconds shoes are gone, nos foulards trainent par terre, nos papiers sont partout. “Prenez votre temps,” dit Shami en apportant de l’eau et des olives.

The Café’s booze permit is still travelling through the bureaucratic maze. Parfait. On va boire du thé Mogador i.e. hot water, fresh mint, lime leaves, vervein, orange blossoms and a sugar plantation. It’s all golden and végétal; ça cascade dans le gosier comme une conversation animée entre papa et John Georges. “I want to travel to Mogador and chomp the jungle and all the blossoms” whispers the happy, yet dumb, liver. Fait donc ça.

To project an illusion of braininess, we browse the books lying around and learn this: “Orange flower water makes life appear rosy. It calms hearts that beat faster with the least emotion.” And this: “The olive is the gallbladder’s friend. Green or already black, olives shoo away bile.” Where the shooed bile goes, it don’t say.

Projecting braininess induces hunger. Fennel soup, vegetarian couscous, pastillas and confit de canard maison all sound very good. But oddly enough we think of all the people working on this Thursday afternoon, as we luxuriously are not, and opt for something more frugal: a Lamburger and a sandwich Végétarien.

No more cavorting in the fields for bébé sheep for he’s been gnashed into a beautiful garlicky patty. Il est fermement embroché entre deux pastilles de pain par quatre cure-dents, along with 100 cucumber slices. Both sandwiches come with chunky carrot cuts and beet salad. No betterave has seen our duodenums since 1978 but these have been pickled beyond their nauseating dullness. We eat every single one and wish upon a smoke for pink pipi.

All afternoon, assorted laughing men quietly conduct business. Sometimes, the phone rings. “Salut Elvis, mais dis-moi, que fais-tu à l’intérieur? Va dehors! Moi? Mais je suis au magasin! Mais non, j’suis content d’être au magasin; hier, j’étais à la maison!” Happy workers. Better them than us. Shami sends us on our way with hot coffee and a friendly wave. Au revoir!

Dehors, la 160 nous attend au coin de la rue mais on s’en fiche. We’re wing-free et on a encore congé demain alors on va rentrer à pied…

cheapmotel@hotmail.com

Café Mogador
ADDRESS: 310 Beaubien E.
PHONE: 279-3530
HOURS: Sun–Thurs 10 a.m.–11 p.m.; Fri 10 a.m.–midnight;
Sat 10 a.m.–1 a.m.
CARDS: Yes
BEST FEATURES: L’hospitalité. No fuss good stuff.
ALCOHOL: Not yet
WHEELCHAIR ACCESS: Few steps to get in. Don’t know about bathrooms, though.
VEGETARIAN FRIENDLY: Yes
RUSH HOUR: “Le soir. C’est rempli d’étudiants
qui fument et qui boivent le thé.”
SMOKING: “Mais bien sûr! On est tranquille jusqu’au
31 mai, ensuite, on ouvrira la terrasse.”
THE BILL: $23.50 for thé Mogador for two, a bowl of olives, two sandwiches with trimmings and café au lait.
RATING: Un bon spot.