M Hi rock ’n’ roll scumbags, art freaks and nymphets, it’s that time of the year again—we’re recruiting for UNPOP 06, baby. It’s the same thing as last year—all free shows, first come, first served. We already got a dozen bands off of goddamn Stillepost but I know that most bands in this city are too busy rocking out to be on the fucking computer to know anything about it. So this is the OFFICIAL CALL. Ampkiller@gmail.com. Let’s make this son of a bitch as big as we can this year. And, of course, any help booking is appreciated because y’all know that I made a mess of the motherfucker last year. But it’s gonna be all good. Rock ’n’ roll 06. Love it. [BLEEP!]

F Hello. I’m calling regarding the person who wanted to know what INDIE is. Well, generally, these so-called indie people are elitists who wear Converse and they were emo before that and they were probably a CANDY KID before that. Basically, most of them are just scenesters who go with the trend. And good luck getting into an indie party because, you know, since it’s so indie, [whispering] nobody else can get into it. You see, they think they’re different but they’re always the same. P.S. All indie kids please stop parasitically infecting Santropol. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M We have a local music scene? There’s no such thing anymore! All it is is bands trying to make it big and if they don’t make it big they become obscure nothings. [BLEEP!]

M This city has a great music scene, but I wanna know, why is it that in all the band photographs of Montreal bands, they look like people you’d feel freakishly uncomfortable talking to? [BLEEP!]

M I’m sure I’m not the first to say this, but I hate what has happened to Montreal’s METAL scene. Somehow it has deteriorated into a mass of mediocrely good metal bands that have no distinction between one another—save for a few exceptions. I think it’s time that people step up and separate their band from one another. Oh yeah, and to add my two cents to the Rant Line™’s ongoing topic: Andemic fucking rocks. [BLEEP!]

F I love that Mile-End apartheid wall idea. I am, in fact, building it with the remains of the Parc-Pine interchange as we speak. [BLEEP!]

F Why is everyone hating on the fucking Mile-End? Might I remind you, you all crave our bagels. [BLEEP!]

M This is a rant against the Montreal police department. They basically are cracking down on skateboarders in Montreal. On Monday, after getting booted out of Peace Park, we ended up skating in Chinatown, where a police officer gave a friend of mine a $60 ticket. And then I almost got arrested on St-Laurent for skating on the streets after six o’clock. Basically, the cop said it’s illegal to skateboard. And after that, a friend of mine got handcuffed and thrown into a police car for BOMBING a hill on a skateboard. I don’t know what’s going on but it’s disgusting and it’s FASCIST and it’s wrong and evil. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I’d like to thank the hippie chick that called in with her thoughts about proper diet. “Praying for a fart” is going to be the title of my autobiography. Thanks, hippie chick. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, does anybody have any thoughts on this new smoking ban? [BLEEP!]

F Hi. This is about your article on that new lesbian club, Lips. I just wanna say that it’s a bunch of bullshit. The girls are NOT becoming like boys. In fact, they all play a bunch of mindless fucking games. They don’t wanna get laid. They pretend they do—they kiss you, they run away. My friend’s a hot smokin’ 25-year-old personal trainer—gorgeous body, gorgeous face. She just wants to GET LAID but it’s virtually impossible with these fucking dykes. They need to relax and really become more like boys. That’s if they want Lips to succeed and not shut down like all the other lesbian clubs. Word up. [BLEEP!]

F I’m calling to see if anybody knows where Dave Knight, the tattooist, works in Montreal, because I’m looking to get a good tattoo and I’m tired of all the bullshit. There are so many crap fucking artists going around, it’s not even funny, and I heard this guy really kicks ass. So… Dave Knight? [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, here’s my rant. Ever since they put those fucking cameras at the St-Denis metro last year, I can’t buy no damn PCP anywhere. Fuck, I walk around downtown once a day every week, it’s, like, DRYSVILLE. Everyone’s got coke and pot and stuff like that but I can’t find the old mesc PCP anymore. Where should I be looking? Can anybody help me out please? [BLEEP!]

M I was talking to this really cute blonde babe who works at Euro-Deli about the Rant Line™. Actually, I think she’s a BOTTLE-BLONDE but whatever—very, very cute. In any event, we were talking about the Rant Line™ and we decided if it was a geographical location, it would be where the IDIOTS meet. Bye. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum