Dear Sasha: Perhaps a common question, but one that applies personally now that my boyfriend has confessed to being an unrepentant foot pig. How the hell do these things start? —Tootsie Lover’s Lover

Dear Tootsie,
How the hell do they not start? Given the cabalistic shroud under which “normal” sexual activities take place, it’s no wonder people sublimate their desires onto feet, mascots, rubber pants and pool toys. Konrad Lorenz unwittingly makes an interesting point in King Solomon’s Ring that relates to this, when he shows how baby ducks, lacking the presence of their birth mother, will imprint on anyone else, even those outside of their species.

It’s certainly ironic that people complain that sex is “everywhere.” In fact, sex is not everywhere. The implication of sex is everywhere and what it implies is usually entirely unrealistic. It makes you wonder if fetishes originate not, as the Bible warns with Sodom and Gomorrah, as a result of an unrestrained society, but because of one that lacks ordinary and open representations of sexuality. Not that I would want to live in a world where nobody wanted to fuck teapots and gym socks, mind you.

Dear Sasha: I had some bad luck and trauma when I was a teenager—so much so that I wasn’t able to be penetrated by a man until recently. That man fucked me twice. Both times I didn’t feel anything. Not pain, not pleasure, nothing. It didn’t help that there was virtually no foreplay, but we used a lot of KY. Afterward I had another partner and had the same experience.

I understand that women need to warm up much more than I got those few times. I get that foreplay, affection and relaxation are really important and that these were all lacking in my experiences. But I’m terrified that I won’t ever feel anything when a man fucks me. You hear these stories about women who just lie there and don’t enjoy it. —What if I’m Destined to Not Like Sex?

Dear What if,
What do you know about sex? You know that you want to have it, and you seem to be aware that your sexual history along with the partners you are choosing, are colluding to make intercourse uninspiring.

What do you want to know about sex? Because your sexuality is yours to invent. No matter what obstacles you have had to overcome, no matter what obstacles await you, your sexuality belongs to you, and that includes with whom you share it. Like most people, you are facing this great and wonderful challenge with the notion that you want positive experiences, but you are without skill or resource. Perhaps you also hold the pervasive opinion that these things should be built in. Any other activity that preoccupied us so much would certainly come with an acceptance that no acquired knowledge makes for naïveté, and that if you wanted to be good at it, you’d have to practise and study.

There is absolutely no reason for anyone, and especially in North America, where legitimate information abounds, to not be your own personal sex and emotional health expert. You have every right to expect to heal from your abuse and approach your sex life with confidence. Here are three things that may help you with this: A good vibrator (the Magic Wand is my favourite). Sexual Healing: The Complete Guide to Overcoming Common Sexual Problems by Barbara Keesling—this book includes advice and exercises for solo and partner sex. And, of course, The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex by Cathy Winks and Anne Semans, which includes relevant resources.

Good porn alert

Generally what I’m looking for in porn is instant and autonomous visual stimulation, not a relationship with the characters and an investment in their connection, but I had an unanticipated and welcome response the other night watching Xana and Dax by the Comstock Company (“Real People, Real Life, Real Sex”). Comstock has created something that amateur porn producers have been trying, with limited success, to make for years—truly sexy, artfully shot, explicit films with real couples. Comstock also creates queer titles. I highly recommend looking into their stirring, persuasive films.

Got any questions for Sasha? Email: POULEDELUXE@YAHOO.COM