Dear Sasha: Our 18-year-old daughter is (at last!) beginning to get curious about her sexuality. By her own volition, she was late to this, possibly being raised in a moderately liberal household with two lesbians just made her less anxious to get things going. We are looking for books for her to get her started on the path to pleasure. Do you know of any written specifically with teens and young people in mind? —P & E
Dear P & E,
It took me a little time to figure out what was making me reluctant to recommend some of the teen sex guides I had been perusing. It wasn’t, like the resources of my adolescence, that they were woefully out-of-date or written by clueless adults wrestling clumsily with teen colloquialisms. There are contemporary books written by young people, but the problem is that the young people writing these books, though armed with more accurate information than ever before, seem socially disconnected.
Yvonne K. Fulbright is one example. For all her impressive academic and media credentials—Penn State-educated, currently pursuing a PhD at NYU in International Community Health, a member of the American Association of Sex Educators and retained by the Lavin Agency for speaking engagements—Yvonne writes like the Tracy Flick of sex experts. You may be able to ignore the impact this disposition has on the book’s style or even be charmed by it, but teenagers, with their inherent distaste for anything that smacks of solicitousness, might cringe at chapter titles like “Gettin’ Jiggy With Contraceptives” and dated youth argot like “’tude.” Given the laboured informality, it is surprising that she doesn’t attempt to “Rap About the Rectum.” On the upside, her facts are valid and current, though she does go exclamation-point bonkers about STIs in a way that sets the stage for the crushing self-remorse we all cultivate perfectly well on our own around such things.
I’d look into adult-oriented sex guides. The new Our Bodies, Ourselves is a bit dry, but the Good Vibrations Guide to Sex keeps coming up as a relevant and accessible guide, even for teens. Along with this, have her check out online resources like scarleteen.com.
Dear Sasha: My wife and I decided to have an open relationship at one point when we thought that we had found someone we could both enjoy. After much drama, I was forced to chose between my wife and my friend. Afterwards we decided we needed to be a stronger couple first. Fast-forward two years and my wife wants to try it again but with her best friend’s husband (they also have an open marriage). I agreed on the condition that I be allowed to go out on dates and meet other people as well, seeing as how she has alienated most of my friends. However, every time I try to go out or I find a woman who interests me I get bitterness and the woman gets vetoed. It’s like she has the upper hand and is unwilling to compromise. If I go out I come home to a fire breathing shrew and get grief for days following. I guess I’m at a loss and don’t know what to do. —Cliff
Dear Cliff,
You’ve made your point: your wife is a ball-busting harridan. Once again, we bear witness to a festival of injustice and all you can do is stand around acting like you have no agency, implying to me that you must enjoy being on the business end of this snarling nag. Moreover, you seem to be deliberately fostering a precarious dynamic that has bitter barroom diatribe written all over it.
You (again): “She wouldn’t let me fuck anyone else without a huge scene, and then she left me for this grunting lout who treats her like shit.”
Guy Sitting Beside You (again): “Why didn’t you just leave the bitch?”
If what you really want is change, then put your foot down, because you are not in an open relationship. An open relationship strives for a sense of equality, a concerted effort to deal with obstacles and a desire to trust someone and give them space. Your current situation and partner offer you none of this.
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