M I was on MySpace, right, and I see this thing called Emergenza. They messaged me, basically, because I’m a hip hop artist. They seem to be messaging everyone from Montreal and trying to get $75 out of them to perform at some shitty show with some groups that no one’s ever heard of and probably get ripped off. So if you see one of the guys that works there, kick him right in the nuts. And, oh yeah, Monkey Cunt, stop sleeping in our entrance. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M This is to the guy who said he likes the Sainte Catherines. I just got off the Cigarettes and Poutine tour with them, it was a lot of fun. However, I didn’t like your referencing other GAY-ASS BANDS. I think all of the bands on that tour are against homophobic remarks. It’s cool that you liked the show, that’s rad, but you can leave your fucking homophobic remarks to yourself. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M For the person who asked, what is indie? I’d love to tell you, but I never get invited to any of their PARTIES. So sorry. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I’m calling from the band Andemic and we just saw the Mirror today and we were told to go fuck ourselves. We just wanna say that whoever told us to go fuck ourselves, we hope you die of CANCER. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

F Da da da da! The haters have arrived. Listen, to the guy who ranted about Ghislain Poirier, it’s very hilarious. First of all, DJs “recycling” people’s hard work? Right. Do DJs typically play music that they’ve produced themselves all night long? DJs typically do not use music by other people to make people dance? Right. Point number two, try and do something original. Hmmm… right. I suppose that could potentially mean producing one’s own music. Has this person noticed that Poirier has produced five records of his own music? Right. Right. [BLEEP!]

M To the guy who thinks Ghislain Poirier is recycling people’s hard work and calling himself a DJ, what do you think hip hop is based on? [BLEEP!]

M Hey, Ghislain Poirier here. I just feel I have to reply to the guy who left a rant last week who seems to really, really like my work. I just wanna tell him that I’ll take his comments in consideration. So thanks a lot. [laughs] [BLEEP!]

M Hi. I’m a ’70s kind of guy speaking on behalf of my transy roommate. She and her other ho’s have come to a unanimous vote that Johnson Cummins should be Johnson Go-ins if he don’t make a PLASTER CAST of his johnson and put it up on the Bifteck wall—a stiffie, of course—so the girls can check out whether the size of his wood is responsible for his attitude. These chicks gonna play RING TOSS and if Johnson’s johnson is less than three rings, he’s going right into my kitty litter box. Thank you. All you need is love. [BLEEP!]

F For the record, there are places to get PIZZA SLICES at midnight in Mile-End but I’m not going to tell you where because I don’t want McGill students infecting the block I was born and raised on. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F To the guy who said the seals are dead when they are skinned, otherwise it would be too dangerous to use a knife. Of course, the seals aren’t moving, they’ve been beaten over the head! They’re unconscious! And then they’re skinned alive! Just because they’re not moving doesn’t mean they’re dead. You can come over to my house and I’ll beat you and then skin you alive. And hey, I can do it without even cutting a finger. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. We’re talking about seals a little while right now, and I want to know, is there someone who tasted one? What does seal meat taste like? Is there a place in Montreal where I can have a SEAL STEAK? [BLEEP!]

F To the guy who ranted about the hippie eating behaviour, I have this to say: at least we aren’t all clogged up with animal products. Meanwhile, you’re sitting on the bowl for an hour a day while it rots in your system, PRAYING FOR A FART. Get a life. [BLEEP!]

M You know how the black hip hop culture in the States, instead of saying all right, they say a’ight? Well, how is that spelled? Do they spell it a-l-l-i-g-h-t or do they just take out the l’s? Does anyone know the answer? [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I wanted to know if the first nice day of spring was synonymous with douche bags banging shitty techno music out of a Hyundai while asking a girl for directions as a pick-up line ? I mean, fucking come on, get something better to do. Easy. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I just wanna know, I mean, is it only me or am I WEIRD? That I find that I’m turned on by women in sunglasses and those with regular glasses turns me off. I don’t get it. I mean, they’re both glasses. But the sun one does and the other kind doesn’t. I think, for me, the other kind makes women look SMARTY. Anyone else out there thinks like me? Bye bye. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum