by JOHNSON CUMMINS

My girlfriend left a copy of Voir on the couch, and I must admit, I do enjoy seeing how the Joneses are living every now and again, so I decided to peruse it. After thumbing through in hopes of finding a bra ad, my eyes fell on a picture of three Mentos mints with the heading “Superstars Indie Rock.” The ad starts off moronically enough—“Do you have the Strokes, the White Stripes and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs in your Ipod?” It then suggests that if you’ve answered “yes” to that question and those about ’60s haircuts, black jeans and high-top Converse sneakers, you too may be an indie rocker.

More apt ad copy could’ve started off with, “Do you make mixed tapes for girls you broke up with two years ago, own a button-making machine, DJ off your laptop, accessorize with knapsacks and antique eyewear…” but I digress.

About halfway through, they actually start carrying on about “Le très cool Casa del Popolo” and go on to say how fuggin’ rad it is munching nachos as selections of “musique experimentale” are pumped through Casa’s house system by none other than Mauro “DJ 2 Fresh” Pezzente from—get ready, here it comes—godspeed you! black emperor. They go on to mention Divan Orange and Zoobizarre, but the Mauro Pezzente thing was just too rich.

Something in this ad had a distinct whiff of halitosis, because anybody who knows Pezzente would agree he would be all thumbs on the wheels of steel, and if he were to “spin” anything, it would hardly be “musique experimentale” but something closer to his heart—fifth-wave ska. Also, his former and arguably defunct outfit always took an incredibly anti-commercial stance, so why would they now lend their name to a refreshing mint? Well, my nose fer news started a-twitchin’, so I took it upon myself to call up Pezzente and get the goods.

“What can I say, I was hooked on Mentos,” the erstwhile Donald Trump of Montreal indie rock related to me, “and the only way of getting my regular supply of the candy-coated demon seeds was selling out to them. At first, it was just on the weekends, but before I knew it that tingly, fresh feeling just grabbed me by the spine.”

Since the ad appeared two weeks ago, Pezzente has climbed the walls, sweated out the sugary poison and rid himself of the Mentos monkey on his back, but offers this to any budding young indie rocker who might be thinking of taking the sweet, cool and refreshing fast track to Hades. “It’s all fine and dandy, listening to Cat Power on your iPod and folding your arms at shows, but you don’t have to take Mentos to be an indie-rock superstar like me. At first, it may feel like you’re going on the refreshing ride of your life, but it’s a slippery slope, and before you know it, you’re Evan Dando. I’m just glad I got out before I sold my soul for a tin of Altoids.” Amen!

WHY DO YOU THINK THEY CALL IT DOPE? jonathan.cummins@gmail.com

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