M Hey, Ghislain Poirier, I know you are meant to be some kind of DJ. Or at least I know you make your money off recycling people’s hard works and then call yourself a DJ. I’m just hoping that, given all this publicity that you’ve got recently, maybe you’re gonna try and do something ORIGINAL? That’d be nice. Oh, and to the band Andemic, go fuck yourself. [BLEEP!]

M My question is: what is indie? [BLEEP!]

F I see that Jello Biafra is having a spoken word event on April 13 and I’m not sure what to expect from him. Anyone here who’s seen him before, please tell me this: will I be entertained by his speech and, like, ENLIGHTENED? Because I’m a fan of his music and writing. But is he just going to rant on and say fuck 20 million times and be ANNOYING? Because, you know, people are different in person than they seem on paper. [BLEEP!]

M Hey everyone, listen up, Sainte Catherines are the bomb! I just finished seeing their show at El Salon. It was a crazy-ass show with good opening acts and finally we’ve got something better going on than Simple Plan. Some good local scene music! Sainte Catherines, don’t change your music for anybody else! So fuck off you gay-ass bands and all the way for Sainte Catherines! [BLEEP!]

M Ghetto this, ghetto that. Don’t you remember about a year-and-a-half ago, we had this discussion and we came to the reasonable conclusion that the only true ghetto in Montreal is, of course, the inimitable Ghetto Nuns, biatch. That’s right. And the new record is gonna blow your ANUS apart. But just want to make a disclaimer too: despite my love of all things ghetto and my renowned kingship of the ghetto, I don’t like it when people are blowing each other’s faces off all over St-Laurent, all right? Let’s keep the GUNPLAY to a minimum, homies. Ghetto! [BLEEP!]

M This is a rant for all them bullshitters out there who think they be representin’ with them Puma shoes and all that shit. All you guys are representing is GLOBALIZATION and all you’re representing to me is that 12-year-old kids make these shoes, dying, literally, every day because they don’t make enough money to feed themselves. All you’re representing is that ghetto. Not the Montreal ghetto. I just wanna make that clear to all you losers. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Hey sorry, I’m blowing my nose. Look, regarding Johnson Cummins praising the McGill student populace for voting to keep CKUT going. Cummins is the same guy who no doubt sits in the fucking Miami complaining about how McGill students have taken over Biftek—actually, not even. Cummins has probably moved all the way north, out of the Main downtown COOLIO STRIP. Him and his ILK have moved it up a notch because they figure that since you can’t get a goddamn slice of pizza at midnight around the Mile-End area, then maybe no McGill students will come out. Anyways, maybe they’re right. I’m no McGill student. I’m not a Mile-End dick-rider either. But I’m a reader and I find it pretty amusing that this dude—who already looks like some sort of old crank—will become a crotchety old REX MURPHY-type sometime in the near future. Anyways, good on you for giving McGill students a nice pat on the back there, Johnson. [BLEEP!]

M I’m reading the mini CD review of some record that I’ve never heard, and the writer says, “I’m peeing myself as I write this.” If you call this journalism, then I call you a fucking FETID accursed leper that deserves to be shot and you guys should burn in hellfire. This is not journalism! It is just whoring and I’m sick of reading it! And all of Montreal is sick of it! And I know I sound BITTER because you won’t publish my freelance but anyway, fuck off. And cheers. [BLEEP!]

M I just had to rant back about that woman who thinks that people are skinning seals while they’re still alive. Bit of a reality check here. In the early ’80s, PETA hired some actors to dress up as sealers and go on the ice and skin the seals alive and basically just fuck them up. It was actually this video they used to bait and suck in Brigitte Bardot, who’s actually still on the ZEALOT BOAT. Obviously, if you’re trying to skin something, it’s gotta be dead! You’re playing with a KNIFE and if you’re moving around, you can cut your wrists, your hands, your fingers. Jeez, just think about it. Or, just plain think, for once. How fucking gullible can you be? Jesus. [BLEEP!]

M Here’s some food for thought. Why are hippies always EATING something in public? If it’s not a piece of fruit, it’s a carrot stick, some TRAIL MIX or a flax seed muffin. Are they always hungry because they forgot their place in the food chain and stopped eating meat? And another thing—do vegan guys eat pussy? Or is it considered cruelty to animals to shave that first as well? Just wondering. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum