We’ve all seen it in those old Westerns: the villain empties his six-shooter at lawmen and, in a last bid for escape, hurls the empty gun at those who would send him away. This is sorta like that, except Jakub Fik of Chicago, instead of firing bullets, threw knives; instead of tossing an empty gun, he hurled his severed penis.

Trouble started when Fik, tormented over some unspecified problem in his long-distance relationship with a woman in Poland, vented his frustrations by breaking neighbourhood car windows. When police arrived at Fik’s home, he greeted them nude and hurling knives. One officer snuck around the side of Fik’s home and calmed him down with the blast of a Taser. While police gathered the evidence, they found a penis, “about 10 feet from the front porch, right on the sidewalk.” As it happens, Fik was missing one.

Doctors were able to re-attach the weapon of mass distraction, allowing Fik to be whole to face two counts of aggravated assault and one of criminal damage to property.

» Scott Saxon