Now that the Bush administration has taken care of the deficit and restored peace and prosperity to the country, they have plenty of time to focus on the important things, like promoting random drug tests on public school students.

The offspring of the wildly successful War on Drugs, the Bush gang has sent its disciples on a tour of the education community to encourage officials to make greater use of a 2002 law allowing random drug tests for athletes, musicians and anyone else voluntarily involved in extra-curricular activities. According to Drug Control Office associate deputy director John Horton, the testing is a valuable tool to students too embarrassed to just say no. “If I’m at a party,” Horton told testing conference attendees, “and somebody says, ‘Hey, do you want a hit of dope?’... I can look at that person and say, ‘No, I can’t.’”

Critics say testing is too intrusive and, more importantly, might not make any difference. Though some studies show a decrease in drug use at schools using flash urinalyses, a 2003 national study showed rise and fall trends to be consistent with test-free schools.

» Scott Saxon