M Hello. This is the waiter that initially posed the question: are francophones inherently bad tippers? My words were not meant to be hateful or xenophobic or any of the other big words used by the lady who oh-so-elegantly responded last week. It was an EMPIRICAL OBSERVATION I made based on my own factual experience. One of the reasons I moved to this city was for its cultural diversity: francophone culture adds a dimension to Montreal that other cities in Canada lack. I appreciate this and what I did was partly out of boredom and partly to create a dialogue, intelligent or not. Today’s a beautiful afternoon and I was having lunch with a lady who’s very important to me and the subject of my rant came up and, having been born and raised in Montreal, she became very ANGRY. My words had hurt and offended her and we left on bad terms and the time I was looking forward to spending with her disappeared. I think the lady that chewed me out in French made her realize that she was having lunch with an asshole. And perhaps she was right. [BLEEP!]

M Any waiter that’s been on the scene a long time knows that the absolute worst tippers are the Mexicans. You’re lucky if you crack five per cent. That goes also for the Muslims and the Arabs. Then you got the Italians, who are either very good or very bad, but the common denominator for them is that they think that you’re their MOTHER and you have to be by their side the whole time like you have no other customers. Then you get the Jews, who leave 15 per cent, but you’re running like a chicken without a head, bringing them hot water and lemon and God knows what else. Then you got the peppers, they leave you 10 to 15 per cent but you gotta hear their stupid jokes. And finally you got the WASPs, who leave you about the same thing, but you gotta tolerate that DIRTY HAMPER SMELL. [BLEEP!]

M I’m a French Canadian and I worked in restaurants in the States for about nine months in the early ’80s and I can tell you our reputation for being cheap was very established even back then. Waiters would almost have breakdowns when a group of French Canadians would come in their section because they knew what it meant: no tips. But instead of turning this into a political thing, let’s EMBRACE the fact that we are cheap! I make practically no money but I’m not willing to stay home and play cards and I travel with practically no budget. So, embrace your cheapness, colisse, and, you know, live! I don’t want to burst your bubble but French people go to Cuba because it’s really fucking good deals, cheap deals on hotels and flights and especially BOOZE. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. It’s not the French people who are bad tippers, it’s the RICH people! The rich get richer, the poor get poorer. Trust me. I work at a small diner that’s open 24 hours downtown and the students tip well, the French tip well, the English tip well—it’s the damn friggin’ rich people who don’t know how to tip. Give some of your money away, you stupid dumbasses. [BLEEP!]

M You’ve about as much chance of getting AIDS from a razor as you do of getting struck by lightning in a mine shaft, you stupid, fear-mongering fuck. [BLEEP!]

F I’m calling for the person who wants to know about the pharmacy studies. Personally I’ve done over 50 studies, I’ve never had any symptoms. But I don’t do big studies, I do small ones. Not phase one or two—do phase three that DON’T TOUCH THE MAIN ORGANS. It’s cash. No tax. And you do the same thing at home anyway, you’re well fed there and you’ve got your movies and Internet and TV. There’s a lot of BLOOD DRAWN and you take your medication and you have to eat everything in 30 minutes. You have to be able to eat anything. And, briefly, that’s about it. [BLEEP!]

M Pharmaceutical studies are not bad if you don’t mind being a PIN CUSHION. Lots of needles so you’re forewarned. I have a buddy who does it pretty regularly now. He seems to be all right. He gets paid and gets his food free and games and movies but, once again, they’re putting things in your body and there are side effects. But, like I said, he seems to be doing fine. [BLEEP!]

F In response to the guy who said that Montreal has no GHETTOS. In Montreal, little kids are going to school hungry all the time. Their parents go to food banks because you gotta pay the rent first. You gotta shop at Sally Ann’s for clothes. You walk because you can’t afford the bus and your life is plagued with threatening letters from Hydro and Bell. And if you think we don’t have street gangs, just ask the kids at Côte-St-Luc high school. I know about all this shit because I’m one of those NDG GHETTO dwellers with my three kids. Oh yeah, and I grew up in Chicago so I know there really ain’t no big difference, being poor is being poor no matter where you live. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum