Thank heavens he hadn’t been asked to play the philharmonic, or there’s no telling what he’d have shoved up his ass. As it happens, 26-year-old Richard Parker had merely been asked to join a Felixstowe, Suffolk, snooker team.

The events of his celebratory night at the pub first turned ugly when Parker peed into the pocket of a billiards table. In the words of prosecutor Clare Forsdike, Parker “then gets a ball, hovered over it while his bottom half was naked and maneuvered onto the ball so it disappeared into his buttocks. Then he walked to the bar and dropped it into a drip tray.” This summary went uncontested by Parker, who admitted he didn’t really remember much. Because Parker had been in trouble before for drunken antics, District Judge David Cooper broke out the heavy guns.

“I’m sure you are a decent, hard-working man when you are not sizzled with drink,” Cooper told the defendant. “However, you must go to prison.

Parker will be drying out over 28 days in a cell, and paying for a new pool table and the cleaning of the pub’s carpet.

» Scott Saxon