Dear Sasha: I was disappointed with your response to Amanda the spy girl [“In love with a liar,” Feb. 9]. I cringe whenever I read about people who go looking through their partner’s private documents or correspondence. This is a deliberate betrayal of a person’s privacy.

I have a pen pal, a married one, even though I, too, am married. We both love and adore our spouses but have had a “thing” for each other for a few years. I barely see him. We’ve never physically crossed the line, but we like to send each other letters that range from vaguely flirtatious to sexually explicit. It’s hot and I think it’s harmless. I know if my man knew he’d be hurt, but honestly, he has nothing to fear. It’s a fantasy. And I do believe that all of us, even the committed ones, have a right to fantasize about other people. More importantly, we have a right to keep some things private. —A Big Boo to Snoopers

Dear Boo,
While I can see that invading someone’s privacy is also a violation of trust, to me, cheating is a much more distressing offence, and here’s just another one of the many ways in which human beings differ: Some people are accountability-before-privacy people and some people are privacy-before-accountability people. More often than not, it’s a rhetorical and interchangeable stance though, because we’ve all been guilty of the very behaviour we condemn.

As to your question of what constitutes cheating—many people like to agree that real indiscretion begins with touching, but would that apply equally to someone like me, a person who gives better letter than head? I happen to think, and more romantically than puritanically, that sex starts long before a touch. All your situation reveals to me is that conventional marriage requires the same amount of cheek-turning and sanctimony to sustain itself as every other inflexible social construct—religion, gender, all that shit. (Not that people in open relationships don’t push boundaries and buttons too—it isn’t a remedy for deception.)

We humans crave variety and pleasure and we can do brilliant things to get them. What is most interesting is not that people cheat, but that they have to define cheating so they can go ahead and do it in a way they distinguish as harmless. Question: If your husband decided independently that blow jobs were innocent fun and you had nothing to fear when he obtained them safely from anonymous women, would you feel he deserved his privacy and the right to determine what is innocent or not?

I agree that people need privacy within the context of a relationship, but I also know the difference between privacy and deceit, and so do you. Or you wouldn’t be deceiving your husband to obtain your privacy.

Dear Sasha: I came out as queer in high school and dated women through my sexual coming of age, if you will. Now, at the age of 20, I find myself involved with a man. I am comfortable with my own body and sexuality, and having sex with women is something I can feel reasonably confident about. But men’s bodies are so unfamiliar—I don’t even know where to start. I know that part of overcoming my strange new status as an amateur will be talking to guys I date, but are there any resources you can suggest? —Not Exactly Virginal

Dear Not,
There are some great books that deal with male sexuality, and when you’re done reading them, you may find yourself with more of an understanding and vocabulary around male anatomy and desire than the man you’re sleeping with. Here are just two: The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio by Violet Blue doesn’t just cover blow jobs, but physiology, foreplay and ass play, and all in Violet’s concise and easygoing style. Sarah from Come As You Are (www.comeasyouare.com) also recommends, more on the relationship than the sex tip, To Bed or Not To Bed: What Men Want, What Women Want, How Great Sex Happens by Vera and Steve Bodansky.

Got any questions for Sasha? Email: POULEDELUXE@YAHOO.COM