M I’m just calling to speak out against Paul McCartney and his LIMOUSINE LIBERAL bleeding heart cause celebrité. The fucking baby seals! He’s just pissed me off one too many times and I can no longer keep silent. What a sanctimonious, self righteous, pompous, know-nothing dipshit. Who the fuck does he think he is? Is he Canadian? Does Paul McCartney live in Newfoundland? Does he survive all year long on a seasonal income? How’s your economy, Paul? Can you afford to buy Labrador yet? To provide some alternative industry for the people that live there? Why don’t you fly your diesel fucking jet up there, do a Live Aid concert so that the poor, brave, DOWNTRODDEN NEWFIES get some debt relief? Well, I’d like to rant on about how the seal cull is more closely regulated and humane than a chicken or a cattle farm, where the animals are raised for slaughter. Or about the effect that the seals have on the food chain without any natural predators other than man, who hunted them for 10,000 years, and polar bears, who are going extinct, which is causing the seal population to boom. But you can’t explain a complex situation to a simple mind. Just remember: Paul McCartney is not an ecologist, just a wanker. Good night. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M I just want to say that I will be on McGill Campus all week and anyone who votes NO in the CKUT vote I will slap right round the head. I know who you are. [BLEEP!]

F Hi, this is a response to the guy who thinks Cock ‘n’ Bull girls are easy to take home. This only applies to the many poor, often under-aged, VULNERABLE girls who’ve gone home with one manipulative sleazy regular. Careful, girls, he’s into kissing and telling at the bar. I’ve heard him myself. And, as for you, dirtbag, you know who you are. [BLEEP!]

M Yo, what up? I just want to say something out to all the Montreal quote-unquote gangstas. Let’s bring shit down. This is Montreal. There are no ghettos in Montreal! Yeah, we have our poor areas. You got poverty, you got racism. But there are no fucking ghettos. Walkley is not a scary place! Yo, one of the richest schools in Montreal, LCC, is in NDG. If you can walk through a neighbourhood wearing a SCHOOL UNIFORM, it is not the ghetto, okay? All you fake motherfuckers, “NDG! Represent!” Y’all representing Dad’s Bagels and Double Pizza, a’ight? You’re not representing Compton! You want a ghetto, go to Compton, go to Philadelphia, go to motherfucking Detroit. Stop being fake punk motherfuckers. Be original with your shit. Talking about Montreal gangstas, “Represent the ’hood, man, represent the streets.” You ain’t representing nothing—yo, motherfuckers, it’s fake shit. That’s all I gotta say. Fuck, fuck, shit, what, fuck, fuck, shit. [BLEEP!]

M I’ve been to Montreal, Toronto, Calgary, Edmonton and Vancouver. I’ve seen a lot of bands do their thing, if you know what I mean. But the other night I saw these cats called the Broken Hearted and I was REBORN. [BLEEP!]

M Why doesn’t anybody rant about the music scene anymore? I’ll leave one. IWS this Saturday at Bogey’s in St-Michel. And, by the way, it’s the Europeans who are the cheapest tippers because in Scotland and stuff, they just don’t tip. Trust me. [BLEEP!]

F I haven’t noticed that Quebecois are cheap tippers but you know who are? WRESTLING FANS. All the white trash who come to watch the wrestling are really, really cheap. They make you run for water and everything. So I’d like to say to those people: get some money or stay home, okay? [BLEEP!]

F Hey, Rant Line™. I’m just calling to say that I’m sick of people using the term racism to describe things like linguistic or national bigotry. It’s EXHAUSTING. Racism is one issue in and of itself. French-English divides and issues in Montreal are not racism. RDS playing the American anthem instead of the Canadian anthem is not racism—it’s a nationalist problem. Fuck! Use racism when it’s useful and the term won’t become completely meaningless. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, Twisted, besides the fact that AIDS, Hep C, herpes and several other STDs can be transmitted by using a razor, the real problem with a woman using your razor is pubic hair is much different than facial hair. It tends to DULL a razor, which ends up cutting your face, causing rashes, irritation and scars in a way you never imagined. So, please, you narrow-minded, inconsiderate, self-centred young lady, think a little and tell the guy what you’re doing to his stuff before you mess with him. [BLEEP!]

M This is a message for Sasha, who was inquiring about the meaning of the number 71. Well, a 71 is the same thing as a 69 but with two fingers up the ass. So I hope you’re happy to be more knowledgeable at this moment. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

F I’m wondering if anyone has done one of those PHARMACY STUDIES that you see advertised and you get money for, like donating your body to science or something. It seems like something that people involved in the Montreal music scene would do. So just rant back and tell me what it was like. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum