by CHRIS BARRY

Name: Lovie Horner

Age: 21

Occupation: Merchandiser

Bio: This sweet-as-all-get-out Westmount broad and gifted horn player was six days past her 18th birthday when she learned the chronic fatigue and eye pain plaguing her was a gift from the Lord called multiple sclerosis. No stranger to serious illness, having almost died from meningitis as a child, Lovie says she knew she was fucked after going for an MRI and entering her doctor’s office to discover a team of specialists from the neurology department awaiting her there. “I didn’t say anything when they told me, I was trying so hard not to cry in the doctor’s office. But I fell apart in the elevator after the doors closed. I just lost it. I’ve only broken down about this twice so far, because, well, shit happens.”

The second time she broke down: Last month, when her leg went numb for an extended period of time, a sign the disease is as healthy as ever. “All I could feel were these horrible pins and needles—it hurt like a bitch. When I get a fever my legs become paralyzed, and it’s pretty scary.”

Has anybody called her “a hero” yet for being blessed with this horrible disease? No.

Did she even know what MS was before learning she had it, or did she think it might have something to do with the Jerry Lewis telethon, and, by extension, maybe not even be so bad after all, given that she might finally get the chance to meet exciting stars like Ed McMahon and Buddy Hackett? “I knew it wasn’t muscular dystrophy, but understood it meant there was a good chance I’d someday become a vegetable.”

One more reason why MS sucks: Because with chronic fatigue comes big-time depression. “I don’t even know what it’s like to have energy anymore.”

Something she really wants to do but can’t: Go backpacking through Europe like her friends. “But my insurance won’t cover me over there. Believe me, I’ve looked in to it. I guess I’ll never go.”

Is there a cure on the horizon? Lovie’s heard rumours that something approximating a cure might come about within the decade.

Something you can do to hasten this cure: Go to the MS benefit Lovie’s organized this Friday, March 10 at the Playhouse (5656 Parc) featuring her brother’s band, Astepaside.

On animal testing: “I’m totally against it. Why should these animals have to suffer? They didn’t get MS. Besides, their nervous systems aren’t the same as mine. It doesn’t make sense.”

Have people started treating her differently since the diagnosis? “No, thank God.”

Speaking of God, does she ever look up to the heavens and go, “Thanks a lot, motherfucker!” “Nah, it’s just not my style to be going, ‘Why me, why me?’ Shit happens, you know? I could live a long time still. Sometimes MS goes into remission.”

Childhood ambition: To become a doctor. “Ironic, eh?”

Last book read: Confessions of a Shopaholic by Sophie Kinsella.

Musical preferences: Michael Jackson, Christina Aguilera.

Words of wisdom: “No matter how bad it gets, remember there’s always somebody worse off than you.”

Comments? dimwit@hdot.net