by JOHNSON CUMMINS

The similarities between Australians and Canadians run strong. As you probably know, the land of our Vegemite-munching, monarchy-loving brethren from Down Under started out as a penal colony for England’s criminals and prostitutes. Canada also has ties with the underworld—we took in draft-dodging Yanks during the Vietnam war. We both share large land masses cluttered with backwoods weirdoes (in our case, Ski-Doo enthusiasts and stoned U.S. ex-pat farmers, and in their case, uh, people who love to agitate alligators and other large reptiles).

Canadians will scream “give ’er” and “no fuckin’ doubts, buddy,” or say they got a “soaker,” while Australians will howl “crikee,” “barbie,” “ripper,” “reckin” and the grossly underappreciated “get a dog up ya!” These Aussie words may have your head spinning, but if we put ’em in a sentence, they’re really not that hard to understand. Try this one: “Oi, ya twat. Get a dog up ya, then? It’ll be a ripper.” Translation: “Hello, friend of questionable intelligence. Would you like to make love? I seem to think it will be quite good.” See? That really wasn’t that hard.

True, it may sound like these sun-soaked cousins of ours may have marbles in their mouths half the time, but if you take the time to learn the lingo, you’ll find them just as cute as their beloved koala. Here are some other Australian fun facts. Their toilet water really does circulate in the opposite direction from that of the rest of the world. Most Australians would rather drink their own piss than a can of Fosters. Most Australians hate the U.K. almost as much as Canadians hate the U.S. These great-great-grandchildren of pickpockets and street hustlers have elevated the word “twat” into everyday speech, and its usage is considered acceptable, even for job interviews, wedding vows or children’s TV shows. It’s true!

You’ll get a chance to see your Australian cousins and those cute little hats they have with corks dangling from the brim when Montreal plays host to an Australian invasion on Wednesday, March 8 at the Main Hall. The bands on the bill all hail from Brisbane, and include the psych-rock of Giants of Science, the folk-country of the Gin Club and the noise pop of Brindle, Iron On and Saritah.

Until then, there are plenty more shows for you to get “crikee aboot.” One of the best straight-up punk rock ’n’ roll bands in the city, Jerk Appeal, play with Ottawa’s Harshy and the grossly underrated Ashtray Heart at the Barfly on Saturday night. If you haven’t seen Jerk Appeal yet, go to this one, as they really are on top of their game when they play at the Barfly.

TYING ME KANGAROO DOWN… jonathan.cummins@gmail.com

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