by CHRIS BARRY and ANNE MARIE MARKO

These Girls

I try, really I do, to give Canadian cinematic efforts the benefit of the doubt before dismissing them as the totally useless wastes of tax dollars they so often tend to be. In spite of bearing witness to a seemingly endless stream of mediocre to downright crappy domestic films over the years, I stubbornly cling to the hope and arguably quixotic belief that our nation’s filmmakers have it in ’em to produce decent movies every once in a while. Rob Stefaniuk’s Phil the Alien, Kris Lefcoe’s Public Domain and Ruba Nadda’s Sabah come to mind as recent low-budget Canadian features that cut the cinematic mustard—all three are distinctly Canadian in every way except for sucking.

Writer/director John Hazlett’s These Girls, however, is crap. Real crap. If it were a turd swimming around your toilet bowl you might find yourself tempted to fish it out and have it bronzed—if only because it defines crap so perfectly there’s a certain aesthetic beauty to it. Of course, should the aesthetics of pooh hold little interest for you, you could always just flush it down the toilet, ignoring it altogether—which is the path I recommend.

Briefly, this is it: Three sexy teenage chicks in rural New Brunswick somehow decide the only guy in town worth fucking is an older married hunk (David Boreanaz) and blackmail him for sexual favours. He resents it and plots an elaborate scheme to free himself from this horrifying quagmire.

It’s supposed to be a comedy—I think. With the surprising exception of former MuchMusic VJ Amanda Walsh, whose performance is only half-bad, the acting is resoundingly terrible. Ditto the direction, and don’t even get me started on the plot or dialogue. Generic, lame, stupid and insulting, avoid this dud. (CB)

Aquamarine

In her feature film debut, director Elizabeth Allen tackles a teen chick flick based on an Alice Hoffman novel. Typical of the genre, Aquamarine is meant to be heartwarming—something best friends will see together, squeezing each other’s hands at appropriately poignant or resonant moments. What it winds up being, however, is a slapdash, aimless story about three unsympathetic characters learning a valuable life lesson at a Florida beach club.

Hailey (Joanna “Jojo” Levesque) and Claire (Emma Roberts) are best friends spending what could be their last summer together. Despite distracting themselves with a crush on a caricature of a lifeguard named Kevin, they must still confront the inevitability of Hailey’s move to Australia. After finding a mermaid (Sara Paxton) at the bottom of a filthy swimming pool, they’re given new hope when she grants them one wish in exchange for helping her find evidence that true love does exist—contrary to her stubborn sea dad’s beliefs.

Aquamarine is a total waste of time. The acting, except for a generous nod in the direction of Levesque as Hailey, is especially painful to witness. No self-respecting teen girl should cash in her hard-earned babysitting dollars to see this manipulative film. (AMM)

Kamataki

In veteran local filmmaker Claude Gagnon’s flick Kamataki, Ken (Matthew Smiley) is a sullen 22-year-old Montrealer who, after his father passes away, determines the best way to deal with the situation is by jumping off a bridge. He survives his suicide attempt. But it’s decided by all involved that what Ken really needs to do to get his head together is an extensive stay with his estranged Uncle Takuma (Tatsuya Fuji of The Realm of the Senses fame), who happens to be a world-famous potter living in Japan.

And what a wild, wacky man this Uncle Takuma is. But will Takuma’s shock treatment of sake, mystery, sexual tension and art be enough to rekindle Ken’s inner flame and make it as strong as the flame of Takuma’s wood-fired kiln? Well, it’s not going to be easy—Ken is one miserable, morose fella,

but Takuma’s unconventional approach to life is guided by profound Eastern wisdom, and with time Ken learns there are more ways than one for a man to live a righteous existence. It’s all a little slow-moving, and probably not for everyone, but overall this is a pretty good film, for the most part well-acted and possessing enough subtlety to keep its 110-minute running time fairly interesting. If nothing else, the cinematography is a real treat. (CB)

THESE GIRLS, AQUAMARINE AND KAMATAKI
OPEN FRIDAY, MARCH 3

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