M Hello, Rant Line™. I’m calling about the waiter who thinks francophones are not BIG TIPPERS. The truth is that they are actually bigger tippers than the English but, you see, francophones have to spread their tips thinner, because they go drinking seven nights a week rather than the two nights a week for the average anglophone. The other reason an anglophone might tip you more is because they recognize you—which is easy if you only know 10 or 20 bartenders. But a francophone knows THOUSANDS. Or more! [BLEEP!]

M If you’re not happy with the money we give you, go work in a WESTMOUNT RESTAURANT, you asshole. [BLEEP!]

M Well, maybe we tip slightly less than English-speaking people, but maybe it’s because we tip based on performance. So if you would do a better performance, maybe you would have more tips. [BLEEP!]

F I’m a waitress and I do not experience this dichotomy between French and English customers. Have you considered that maybe your French sucks—that is if you use it at all? [BLEEP!]

M COCK ‘N’ BULL GIRLS are for being taken home, not for having phone sex with. So if you’re going to go to the Cock ‘n’ Bull looking for a phone number, there is a pay phone in the back corner. I think there’s a phone book dangling from it. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, my friend hosted an OPEN HOUSE that turned into a mess and everybody was outside trying to get in, almost 400 people. And when we didn’t let them in they took these PIZZA-CUTTING tools made out of diamonds and started cutting windows. They broke in the house, stole a couple of computers, 400 CDs, a camera. So I just want to thank my friend for providing us with the good times. Rock on. [BLEEP!]

M Who’s the asinine English person complaining about a football fan from Yugoslavia running around with an IRA slogan on his shirt? Any THUG worth his salt deals with the flash point when it arises. They don’t call six months in advance to some silly Rant Line™ about it. And anyway, you’re a Brit, your responsibility abroad is to uphold the good values of our fair country—not to explain to everyone why we all left that soddin’ place. And if you have a problem with the IRA or the Irish in Canada, just ask them if they’re a Canadian citizen. Because anyone who becomes a Canadian citizen pledges allegiance to the Queen. It just goes to show all their republican principles went out the window in order to be a slave to the Canadian dollar. Anyway, what’re you worried about the World Cup for? Montreal Impact—that’s the rumble! See you there. It’s not cowardice over phone lines—you’re actually in their face! [BLEEP!]

F It’s Thursday night, I’m tuned to RDS, watching Boston against the Habs, and RDS is a bunch of RACISTS! They play the fucking American anthem, let us watch that, and then you never, ever fucking see the Canadian anthem. That’s bullshit! [BLEEP!]

F This is a rant for Montreal CTV. My mornings suck now because I used to get up at 9 o’clock and watch Balance: Television for Living Well —always interesting, informative stuff on that show and DR. MARLA, she’s cool. And then at 9:30, Daily Planet was another dose of science for the morning, some interesting facts about the wonderful world we live in. But now at 9 a.m. I sit in front of the TV with my coffee and we’ve got E Talk Daily. What?! Not only is it a LAME-ASS SHOW but it’s a broadcast from the night before! I can’t escape it!! So I turn off the TV. In a way, that’s great—I watch the birds outside. [BLEEP!]

M This is for that girl who ranted that a woman can do whatever she wants with her own VAGINA. I’ve got only one thing to say to you: with great POWER comes great responsibility. [BLEEP!]

M Yes, I’m calling about the girl who’s looking for a NORMAL GUY. My email is sublimerampage@hotmail.com. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M Seriously, females who have a problem realizing and recognizing why so many guys have a problem with you, why don’t you all get together in one of your famous little groups, film yourselves for about three or four hours and then watch the video tape. Then, maybe, if you have brains, you’ll figure out why so many guys have problems with you. Jesus Christ! [BLEEP!]

F Gentlemen, I’m gonna let you in on a little secret and this is it: All women use your RAZOR. We all do. And how do I know? Because my mother taught me to use my DAD’S razor and she said don’t tell but I’m telling and getting the word out, because I’m twisted, I suppose. But what’s really funny is that men find it so shocking when they catch you using their razor. I mean, they’re happy to put their mouths down there, on the you know, pussy, but God forbid they should catch you using their razor on your pussy. Over and out. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum