by RAF KATIGBAK

Valentine’s Day is approaching. I can smell the fear. Those with no lovers wait grimly, like those with no family at Christmas, for the event to be over. And those with lovers wrack their brains for a fitting gift, burdened with the ever-possible hopelessness that sets in when one has purchased one’s partner something wildly inappropriate; a well-intended offering that triggers anxiety, misconstrued expectation (“You want me to do what?” “No, no I just thought…”) and the myriad other feelings that erotic gifts inspire.

Sex toys are not returnable. This means if you don’t like it, you’re stuck with it. There’s very little you can do with an unwanted sex toy because its purpose is so specific, and manufacturers often lie extravagantly about potential. As an experiment in past Mirror Sex Surveys, I’ve asked readers what their worst purchase was, and what it was doing now. As I anticipated, people had little use—creative or practical—for unsatisfactory sex toys.

The thing that really ticks me off is that there is no end to charlatans waiting to pounce on people’s sexual vulnerability to make a buck. Most everyone wants to be sexually active and viable, and it’s so easy to make money off this inherent desire shrouded in needless—but insanely profitable—mystery. There is a special place in hell, alongside bike thieves, for those who capitalize on sexual vulnerability strictly for lucre.

So before we all go rushing out half-cocked on the Great Valentine’s Swindle, I would like to offer a list of considerations to improve the chances of gratification.

Buying dildos

If you can afford it, buy silicone but be wary. Shady manufacturers have caught on to this trend and are claiming their products are silicone, when really, there’s just a small percentage of silicone in them. Look for Tantus, Vixen and Fun Factory brands. Tantus’s prices are very reasonable, no doubt due to demand levelling out costs, and Vixen has created a favourite model of mine made of what they call Vixskin. If you’re looking for a realistic dildo that is also harnessable, you will appreciate this material, a hard silicone coated in a more yielding one. And speaking of harnesses, you’ll find no better than those created in Canada by Aslan Leather. As a harness fan, owner Carrie Gray is always improving and testing his product—with an eye for fashion as well as function—and I know people who have had Aslan harnesses since the company’s inception over 10 years ago, with no sign of retirement.

Tantus and Vixen also make excellent silicone anal toys. One I would personally recommend is the Raspberry Kiss by Tantus. It is shaped like a beckoning finger but slightly larger (excellent for prostate massage), is harnessable and also has a small but powerful vibrator hollowed into it. Just a tip: these removable vibrators, which are in a lot of toys, are not the most long-lasting. You can, however, buy them separately when they conk out, and the toy is perfectly serviceable without them too.

Buying vibrators

Just because something is listed as a bestseller doesn’t mean it’s any good, it just means that it’s in the right price range, has romantic appeal, or has a great marketing campaign behind it. Several years ago, people got caught up in the frenzy of a toy called the Tongue. It made the same whirring, grinding noise as one of those remote cars, stunk of off-gassing chemicals and basically just rotated and poked ineffectually around your clit. Look for toys endorsed by pleasure positive sex activists like Betty Dodson and Annie Sprinkle, who, like me, suggest that every woman should have a Magic Wand. Though it is more culinary than boudoir in appearance, it is, without a doubt, the best vibrator on the market. People have also taken it upon themselves to make high quality insertion gadgets to put over the head of the Wand, and these make excellent accessories for both G-spot and prostate massage. Many women are at first off-put by the looks and intensity of this vibrator but a folded towel between your crotch and the device dulls its powerful vibration, and it is one you will have for years. I estimated that the first I owned gave me around 2,000 orgasms. If I could find a place to repair it (I probably could, but I simply couldn’t wait to get it back from the shop so I bought another immediately), I know I could get some more use out of it.

Randy reads

I think sex books make awesome gifts, and there are no better than those put out by Cleis and Greenery Press. Both these publishing houses have highly critical standards in literature and non-fiction, and each features an excellent How To series. I made it a personal commitment to give better head this year, and my lifelong terrible technique is already improving with Violet Blue’s The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio, put out by Cleis. “I strongly feel that to truly enjoy sex you should read everything you can about the subject,” writes Violet on her amazing Web site tinynibbles.com. “There is no one right way to perform a particular sex act, and to make your lover squeak with pleasure you should seek out as much information as possible from a diverse variety of sources.” Violet’s Web site also features thoughtful adult film reviews, so before you purchase porn, please visit her.