Dear Sasha: I’m at a loss about how to confront a trust issue with my live-in boyfriend of two years. I’m 24, he’s 25. My last boyfriend broke my heart when he cheated on me with his ex-girlfriend. That experience left me with some trust issues, and they are starting to affect my relationship now.

My current boyfriend and I gave each other our e-mail passwords (printing out e-mails for each other, retrieving information etc). About eight months ago, while I was in his inbox on legitimate grounds, I noticed e-mail from a girl he had a three-day fling with while he was in Thailand before we got together. What I found nearly made me sick—lots of flowery language about how attractive she was, and I was referred to as “the girl” in one of the e-mails.

I came clean to him that night. He was angry, but said that I was silly for worrying, and that I was the only girl he was madly in love with, and if he wanted to be with someone else, he would be. Fast-forward eight months. Last week, I noticed he got a MySpace account. In the confirmation e-mail was his password. I logged on as him, and saw a string of messages that he initiated to this girl, along the lines of how cute she was, then saying how aroused he was by her looks, then asking for her e-mail information and asking if she’d like to add him to MSN Messenger.

I love this man and he says he loves me too. When this happened last time, he said I’d have to trust him that this wouldn’t happen again, but I’ve discovered that I can’t. I want to confront him about this, but I don’t want him to know how I found out because I think that would sabotage everything. —Amanda

Dear Amanda,
How is this about your trust issues? Your boyfriend is establishing sexually charged relationships behind your back. You’ve made a pact with him based on misrepresented parameters. This has nothing to do with trust, and everything to do with denial.

As a girl who has dated some top-drawer liars, let me be the first to tell you: you’re in love with a liar, and liars suck to love. Nothing is ever their fault, they expect you to endorse their bullshit at all costs, and when you don’t, they somehow get you saying things like you don’t want to sabotage the relationship because you found out they were lying. In less than six months, you aren’t going to believe that crazy talk. Just make sure you really want those tattoos you might get when you’re heartsick and hammered. I don’t totally regret mine, I just wish I’d chosen a better font.

You should also know that it’s de rigueur to make monumental and humiliating mistakes in the world of love. Look at it like the world of fashion. You’re too young to have committed the same sartorial felonies I did in the ’80s, but I’m sure there are a couple of pictures of you around in those pants all you kids were wearing 10 years ago that had enough fabric in them to make a marquee. I know, what the fuck were you thinking, right? But didn’t you think you looked so bitchin’ at the time? Like fashion, love is designed to outwit you, and it plays on the same undermining and conflicting group of emotions—vulnerability, individualism and the fundamental desire to fit in. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Love is something that’s available to everyone, so naturally you’re going to run into some people who have different ways of getting what they want, and often they’ll seem perfect for you, just like those stupid pants. Besides, how else are we going to keep the species going if love doesn’t have the upper hand on us?

You can maintain your relationship by not casting light on the deception, if you like. Or you can tell him you want to re-establish the boundaries to include real honesty. One thing that’s not going to happen is that you’re not going to feel like shit for finding out he’s been an asshole. When deceptive behaviour is uncovered by deceptive behaviour, well too bad. You have every right to feel angry, hurt and disappointed.

Got any questions for Sasha? Email: POULEDELUXE@YAHOO.COM