by MATTHEW HAYS

Imagine Me & You

Filmgoers have been treated to some serious trailblazing with Brokeback Mountain, the odds-on favourite in this year’s Oscar race. Whatever you do, don’t look for any similar kind of groundbreaking with Imagine Me & You, an irritatingly fluffy romantic comedy from across the pond. Here, Piper Perabo plays a woman settling into a comfy marriage with her long-time beau. Whaddaya know? After they tie the knot, Perabo realizes she has the hots for Lena Headey, the woman who did the floral arrangements for the wedding ceremony.

Though cutesy comedies of this ilk can certainly have their charms, everything about Imagine Me & You seems particularly superficial and dim-witted, even by this genre’s sub-standards. It’s tough to really care about whether or not Perabo decides to go fish or not, given that we aren’t made to even remotely care about her (not to mention the flower girl). Though suspension of disbelief is an entirely subjective thing, everything about Imagine Me & You feels pretty ridiculous. What’s more, the purported comic moments in this film are about as knee-slappingly, fall-out-of-your-chair-laughing funny as a lesser episode of Friends. As for any realism in its depiction of lesbians, these gals look like those lesbo-posers we see in X-rated movies—having more to do with pornography than reality. But on that level, Imagine Me & You doesn’t even put out. Lesbians and straight dudes, save your cash: there’s no money shot here.

Final Destination 3

The folks behind this teen horror franchise sensibly decided to shift modes of transport, leaving airplanes behind. The third entry has survivors attempt to defy fate after a brutal roller coaster crash (next sequel: go carts). A young woman has a premonition before taking off on a hair-raising roller coaster ride, one that tells her that things are about to go horrifically wrong. Naturally, the carnies running the show don’t listen to her, and off goes a carnival-ride full of horny teens to their nasty ends. Those who got off beforehand must then attempt to stay alive, despite being saddled with some sort of fatal curse.

Of course, the main way a film like Final Destination 3 wants to be judged is on its innovativeness in terms of knocking people off. The results here are mixed. The initial roller coaster ride, in which people fly off the rails and hang upside down is actually quite impressive. But death by nail gun? Old hat. There are a few funny quirks thrown in amid the clichés, including a death-by-tanning-booth sequence that is so ludicrous it is very funny, but aside from that this is the dullest horror movie I’ve seen since… well, since last week, when I saw When A Stranger Calls. Despite the occasional laugh, Final Destination 3 is not the killer it purports to be.

Imagine Me & You and Final Destination 3 open Friday, Feb. 10

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