I’m optimistic and I think we will get there eventually and will be ready to have fun with others—I’m not sure if neither of us buys this monogamy stuff. But how do you do it without getting hurt, hurting, leaving your partner, not leaving your partner etc? Is it possible to be in a loving relationship and still have fun with others? What about others’ emotions and your own? How does it not get confusing? Sasha, how do you do it? Can you recommend some literature, online sources to learn more about non-monogamy? We’ve looked at some swingers stuff (for example Tryst magazine, were no many peopele can rely spel) but that too seems confusing. What’s our first step? —D & C
Dear D & C,
Non-monogamy was not an easy decision for me and really, I’m not a very likely candidate for this lifestyle. As someone who actually does have a finite amount of love to give, I cringe at all the “infinite amount of love” discourse, I’m not really promiscuously minded, and if I happen to dislike someone my primary partner is dating, life can become extremely disagreeable for everyone.
So yes, I’m petty, insecure and jealous, and I’m not entirely interested in addressing all of these problems because I’m afraid the next step will be me flailing around topless at Burning Man while my lovers are polishing handmade wooden dildos to sell in our caravan.
One of the more effective ways I approach non-monogamy is to avoid going into relationships with the principal objective of being part of an impenetrable couple. I try to think of myself as an individual who is dating another individual who (thankfully!) does not belong to me, but with whom I can share feelings of inadequacy without being judged. This has had both positive and negative impacts, as sometimes it leaves my main person wanting more, and sometimes I miss being a conventionally established pair. I had a massive meltdown about two weeks ago because I needed some emotional help, and because I don’t establish the most reliable support systems, I flopped around for days feeling very sorry for myself. Recalling all the times I wanted to be alone and there was someone in my house, using up all my air and toilet paper and making me want to hurl things at their big stupid head was cold comfort.
The way you and your boyfriend determine your approach is entirely up to you. I have friends who only sleep with people together, and I’ve done okay with this model too. You’re allowed to make your own rules. I’m willing to renegotiate mine but I also know my partners may not follow suit just because my feelings have shifted. Yes, this can suck. Http://groups.yahoo.com/group/polyamorycanada/ is a newsgroup for non-monogamists across Canada, and you might also find some helpful information and good connections on www.attitudes.cc. And though the infinite love thing is not my bag, I adore Wendy-O-Matik’s book Redefining Our Relationships. Wendy is so loving and cool—you’ll find her words encouraging, I guarantee. I always cry a little when I read this book because Wendy is so truly, beautifully radical. Her heart is so open it makes mine ache. You can check her out online at www.wendyomatik.com.
How do you have any relationship without getting hurt, hurting, leaving your partner or not leaving your partner? Learn to address those fears rather than stand trembling before them. There’s your first step.
